HEAVEN, THE COSMOS—Expressing bouts of exasperation over the insufferable futility of repeatedly attempting to intervene in the domestic, sovereign affairs of Zimbabwe, God The Almighty, The Heavenly Father, Creator & Ruler Of All The Universes, issued out a press statement exclusively seen by The Reporters from His Holy Throne stating that “He Is Not In It”, and that from now on he will block any requests from Nelson Chamisa and Citizens Coalition for Change (CCC) to use His name in solving their political mess.
“It has come to My attention that Nelson Chamisa is still using the old, tired mantra ‘God is in it’ as his slogan despite several warnings issued against him notifying him that I am tired and frustrated of being used in his personal and political shit. Let it known in All The Universes, Heaven and earth, that from now on I will not answer any request or prayer claiming that I Am In It—on the contrary, I Am Not In It. From now on I will not meddle in the sovereign affairs of Zimbabwe, and I distance myself from all those yellow-infested heretics and counter-revolutionaries. I will not come down from Heaven for that nonsense,” God bellowed as all the Angels trembled at His tantrums.
Nelson Chamisa’s comments that if SADC refuses to help the CCC yellow-adorned party leader in seizing power from Zimbabwe’s principal troublemaker Emmerson Dambudzo Mnangagwa then God will step in to help have been dismissed by God Himself as “utterly ludicrous, ill-conceived”, adding that this time He won’t be in Chamisa’s corner.
“I discussed this issue with My Son Jesus Christ yesterday in our closed-door meeting in a far-away galaxy, away from the glare of the Holy Throne. My Boy Jesus here intimated to Me that given Chamisa’s helpless cluelessness, it is imprudent for the Heaven brand to be associated with such stupidity and hollow-sounding ‘God is in it’ chants and tweets. Or posts. Whatever you call them on that wretched planet.
“We unanimously agreed that besides all this shitty drama, the colour yellow disgusts us and tarnished our image, and we strongly hate those little pulpits he uses when addressing the masses of the Sheep. We will let SADC do want it wants. Remember even though as Heaven we refused to stand with them during their irksome liberation struggles, they continued to worship us anyway when they got their independence. It has been a hard decision to make. But it must be done. It reminds me that time we forsook the whole of this humanity and saved Noah plus a bunch of animals. Who knows what may happen this time? Do they really want us to climb down from Heaven for this BS?”
At the time of going press, it was incredibly difficult to reach Nelson Chamisa or Promise Mkwananzi for a comment. The Reporters verified credible information from insider sources that Chamisa was deliberating on what next to say since God The Almighty refused to be associated with him. God called on the Angels to withdraw any form of Divine Protection that Chamisa and CCC were enjoying, leaving the yellow party in an extremely precarious position; left only with Bible Verses that lack legitimacy amidst political uncertainty.
