October 02, 2023

God Says “He Is Not In It” As He Issues Statement Refusing To Come Down From Heaven To Help Nelson Chamisa

By The Reporters

HEAVEN, THE COSMOS—Expressing bouts of exasperation over the insufferable futility of repeatedly attempting to intervene in the domestic, sovereign affairs of Zimbabwe, God The Almighty, The Heavenly Father, Creator & Ruler Of All The Universes, issued out a press statement exclusively seen by The Reporters from His Holy Throne stating that “He Is Not In It”, and that from now on he will block any requests from Nelson Chamisa and Citizens Coalition for Change (CCC) to use His name in solving their political mess. 


God The Almighty, Nelson Chamisa, CCC God is in it political satire, sarcasm


“It has come to My attention that Nelson Chamisa is still using the old, tired mantra ‘God is in it’ as his slogan despite several warnings issued against him notifying him that I am tired and frustrated of being used in his personal and political shit. Let it known in All The Universes, Heaven and earth, that from now on I will not answer any request or prayer claiming that I Am In It—on the contrary, I Am Not In It. From now on I will not meddle in the sovereign affairs of Zimbabwe, and I distance myself from all those yellow-infested heretics and counter-revolutionaries. I will not come down from Heaven for that nonsense,” God bellowed as all the Angels trembled at His tantrums. 

Nelson Chamisa’s comments that if SADC refuses to help the CCC yellow-adorned party leader in seizing power from Zimbabwe’s principal troublemaker Emmerson Dambudzo Mnangagwa then God will step in to help have been dismissed by God Himself as “utterly ludicrous, ill-conceived”, adding that this time He won’t be in Chamisa’s corner. 

“I discussed this issue with My Son Jesus Christ yesterday in our closed-door meeting in a far-away galaxy, away from the glare of the Holy Throne. My Boy Jesus here intimated to Me that given Chamisa’s helpless cluelessness, it is imprudent for the Heaven brand to be associated with such stupidity and hollow-sounding ‘God is in it’ chants and tweets. Or posts. Whatever you call them on that wretched planet.

“We unanimously agreed that besides all this shitty drama, the colour yellow disgusts us and tarnished our image, and we strongly hate those little pulpits he uses when addressing the masses of the Sheep. We will let SADC do want it wants. Remember even though as Heaven we refused to stand with them during their irksome liberation struggles, they continued to worship us anyway when they got their independence. It has been a hard decision to make. But it must be done. It reminds me that time we forsook the whole of this humanity and saved Noah plus a bunch of animals. Who knows what may happen this time? Do they really want us to climb down from Heaven for this BS?”

At the time of going press, it was incredibly difficult to reach Nelson Chamisa or Promise Mkwananzi for a comment. The Reporters verified credible information from insider sources that Chamisa was deliberating on what next to say since God The Almighty refused to be associated with him. God called on the Angels to withdraw any form of Divine Protection that Chamisa and CCC were enjoying, leaving the yellow party in an extremely precarious position; left only with Bible Verses that lack legitimacy amidst political uncertainty.

April 13, 2023

Harare Man Wishes If Stream Of Consciousness Could Be Used As Source For Clean, Safe Tap Water In City

 By The Reporters

GLEN VIEW, HARARE – A local Harare man, Tafara Mahofa, ruminating deeply beyond the comprehension of human feeble minds in the streets of Glen View 1, expressed his wish for his stream of consciousness, and that of other comrades, to be used as a source for “safe, clean, humane drinking water” in the beleaguered city.


Stream of consciousness as water in Harare


As if falling into a philosophical trance that could have been arduously turned into a PhD thesis, Tafara Mahofa pointed out with much poignancy, “It is utterly exasperating and absolutely dehumanizing that City of Harare cannot provide clean, safe, humane, mouthwatering and free water out of our taps. I don’t know what their problem is. It is a horrendous experience. Imagine, we’re in 2023. Either the water is not there, or when it’s there, it just comes out in a way that makes you want to vomit. Where do they get that water from? I often wonder. Yet, everyday, I have to sip some from my stream of consciousness. Such a clean source. A clean stream. Natural, for that matter. Clean water.”

He went on, almost rambling, that perhaps it is safe for City of Harare to get the city’s water from the “clean and safe” stream of consciousness. “I’m not really sure how the city engineers and surveyors can lay out and build the pipes to draw water from our stream of consciousness to our taps in our homes. But all I know, and I’m really tired just from thinking about this, is that perhaps the so-called city fathers can use our stream of consciousness as a source for clean and safe water. My stream, and the streams of my comrades, are natural, clean, and safe.”

At press time, The Reporters failed to get a word from the Town Clerk of City of Harare on whether this grand innovative plan to ameliorate the city’s unending water woes is viable. Tafara Mahofa later said that it is particularly the stream of consciousness of writers and other artistes that can be perfectly harnessed for these purposes as it is always “oozing water”.

Tafara Mahofa indicated to The Reporters that it is an utterly fucked up situation, a whole clusterfuck, that the “city fathers” continuously buy brand new cars and stands while people have no water. He suggested it is now time for the “city mothers” to run the city – highlighting the complexity and haphazard nature of his stream of consciousness.

January 12, 2023

District Man Vows Not To Die Before Climbing And Rocking On Mashwede Village Tables

By The Reporter; Intertwined-Zimbabwe

GOROMONZI - A local district man has reportedly vowed not to die before embarking on an exhilarating thrill of a lifetime; climbing and rocking the tables at the (in)famous Mashwede Village spot in the country's wretched and worryingly decrepit capital, Harare. 




Mr. Musanetseke Pfungwa Masimire, aged 43, intimated to his mesmerized neighbours and family and at the village court at some undisclosed "peasant" location in the vast district of Goromonzi that his only wish before departing this magnificently tortuous Earth was to go for a thrilling night out with his 'boys' to the popular hit Mashwede in Harare's historical high density suburbs for the "best experience of his lifetime" - climbing and rocking the immensely revered and desecrated Mashwede Village tables while loud music from the spot's exasperating speakers destroys his eardrums and Eustachian tubes. 

Addressing his excitable audience, much to "waals" and "ndikokos", Mr.  Musanetseke Pfungwa Masimire bellowed, "The only thing that has refused to leave my mind is Mashwede. I hear the groove in Harare can be pretty wild and releases the stress of providing for lazy wives and children. My only wish before I leave this planet is to go and climb and rock the tables at Mashwede. I also hear that's the best experience of a lifetime consuming the lives of urban yutes and baddies in H-town. Gaya, husiku hwese uchingokwira matebhuru apa ngoma richirira baad wakanamwa zvako nemukwava! Yooo, you guys, I can't wait. Even sabhuku has said 'go ye forth!' and bring back some juicy reports that even H-Metro reporters can't match. Those bloody liars [H-Metro journalists] anyway! Vachatengesa zhet kumukadzi wangu. Gaya." 

Mr. Masimire was reported to have included this supremely indispensable wish into his will; that even if he fails the little USD$50.00 making up his Estate in its entirety must be able to take his two sons Chamu and Biggie to go climb and rock Mashwede Village tables. 

At the time of going to press, The Reporters reached the district man for his invaluable comments on the unverified reports that had proliferated as nasty grapevine [like Robert Mugabe's infinite death rumours] all the way to Ruwa and Murehwa, and he quipped, in a manner betraying his good old days as the best student in O'Level English studies at Goromonzi High, "What you've heard is not a remote possibility. My faith exudes unshakeable belief and optimism. I'm not concerned with Unplugged or any other numerous outdoor 'chills' sprouting in the capital.  My only desire is Mashwede tables and perhaps some DJ Fantan and Levelz music on the loud speakers." 

"Best experience of my lifetime if it comes to fruition.  Don't tell H-Metro, I am my own story. And to the haters saying a district man in his 40s must not visit Mashwede, here's a massive fuck you to you, respectfully."

It is said he will not be hesitant doing the tables and alcohol and loud music with some 'baddies' from the wretched worryingly decrepit capital, Harare.

Zimbabwe’s Department of Public Inconvenience Assures Citizens of More Inconveniences, And There Won’t Be Any Sincere Regrets

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