GOROMONZI - A local district man has reportedly vowed not to die before embarking on an exhilarating thrill of a lifetime; climbing and rocking the tables at the (in)famous Mashwede Village spot in the country's wretched and worryingly decrepit capital, Harare.
Mr. Musanetseke Pfungwa Masimire, aged 43, intimated to his mesmerized neighbours and family and at the village court at some undisclosed "peasant" location in the vast district of Goromonzi that his only wish before departing this magnificently tortuous Earth was to go for a thrilling night out with his 'boys' to the popular hit Mashwede in Harare's historical high density suburbs for the "best experience of his lifetime" - climbing and rocking the immensely revered and desecrated Mashwede Village tables while loud music from the spot's exasperating speakers destroys his eardrums and Eustachian tubes.
Addressing his excitable audience, much to "waals" and "ndikokos", Mr. Musanetseke Pfungwa Masimire bellowed, "The only thing that has refused to leave my mind is Mashwede. I hear the groove in Harare can be pretty wild and releases the stress of providing for lazy wives and children. My only wish before I leave this planet is to go and climb and rock the tables at Mashwede. I also hear that's the best experience of a lifetime consuming the lives of urban yutes and baddies in H-town. Gaya, husiku hwese uchingokwira matebhuru apa ngoma richirira baad wakanamwa zvako nemukwava! Yooo, you guys, I can't wait. Even sabhuku has said 'go ye forth!' and bring back some juicy reports that even H-Metro reporters can't match. Those bloody liars [H-Metro journalists] anyway! Vachatengesa zhet kumukadzi wangu. Gaya."
Mr. Masimire was reported to have included this supremely indispensable wish into his will; that even if he fails the little USD$50.00 making up his Estate in its entirety must be able to take his two sons Chamu and Biggie to go climb and rock Mashwede Village tables.
At the time of going to press, The Reporters reached the district man for his invaluable comments on the unverified reports that had proliferated as nasty grapevine [like Robert Mugabe's infinite death rumours] all the way to Ruwa and Murehwa, and he quipped, in a manner betraying his good old days as the best student in O'Level English studies at Goromonzi High, "What you've heard is not a remote possibility. My faith exudes unshakeable belief and optimism. I'm not concerned with Unplugged or any other numerous outdoor 'chills' sprouting in the capital. My only desire is Mashwede tables and perhaps some DJ Fantan and Levelz music on the loud speakers."
"Best experience of my lifetime if it comes to fruition. Don't tell H-Metro, I am my own story. And to the haters saying a district man in his 40s must not visit Mashwede, here's a massive fuck you to you, respectfully."
It is said he will not be hesitant doing the tables and alcohol and loud music with some 'baddies' from the wretched worryingly decrepit capital, Harare.