Wife Lulu Really Surprised That Wicknell Chivayo Did Not Pass Out During All Night Fuckfest

By The Reporters 

HARARE – Much to the shock and surprise of Lucy ‘Lulu’ Muteke, Wicknell Chivayo maintained full and robust consciousness throughout a gruelling marital fuckfest that lasted for eight hours, in a major development that has also greatly baffled medical practitioners and fitness experts. It is reported that Wicknell would simply not back down, proving to all and sundry how capable he is of pulling off miracles like these.

Lulu could not believe her eyes witnessing the unrivalled stamina Wicknell possesses. Just before the fuckfest commenced at around 11PM (the time exactly planned by the gorgeous couple) Lulu had arranged for ambulances to be stationed at their palatial mansion. But as the night unfolded, it became abundantly clear that the need for ambulances and emergency response teams had been rendered futile.

“My lovely, all-caring husband and I wanted to do something entirely different for our blossoming marriage. We wanted to get a little adventurous, but at the same time still tethered to our core values of humility and togetherness. So we planned this marital marathon, or what the streets may call a fuckfest. To be honest with you, I was extremely nervous and worried over how this would turn out, but let me just say I got the shock of my life,” Lulu told The Reporters.

“Precautions are a necessary part of such a marital exercise, given the stature of my husband. Before we started, I ensured that an ambulance was there at our beautiful home, together with well-prepared emergency rescue teams. It soon turned out that I had gotten ahead of myself. My husband just kept going and going and going. The sheer virility he exhibited throughout the night just left me tongue-tied. Not once did he tire. I was amazed, honestly,” Lulu added.

Lulu said that by the time the fuckfest concluded at around 7AM, Wicknell was still in shape, ready to do more rounds. It was only due to Lulu’s inevitable fatigue that the fuckfest came to a conclusion. Medical experts, particularly those who were at the scene, were absolutely stunned by Wicknell’s shift, with some describing it as a “medical anomaly” – one that has left the Zimbabwean medical community scraping for answers.

“I don’t even know how to describe this,” Dr. Henry Kufauripo (one of the doctors stationed at the mansion) said. “Wicknell has left us in a state of unprecedented incredulity. And if I’m being straight with you, we are all a little envious of the great feat this man achieved. This is a miracle. A man of that size? You must be kidding me! We are still studying this phenomenon, and we are sure to give you comprehensive results,” Dr. Kufauripo stated.

Wicknell himself was ecstatic and, true to his fashion, boisterous. He credited his record-breaking display of virility to The Almighty God, The Heavenly Father, Creator & Ruler Of All Universes. “I will categorically make this clear: when it comes to sex, body size does not matter. It does not matter how fat your bank account is, or how many Maybachs and Rolls-Royces you drive. People forget that marriage is a HOLY UNION blessed by GOD THE ALMIGHTY. Therefore if you do not ask for STRENGTH from Him, you will perish. You will NOT PLEASE YOUR WIFE. It can only be God,” Wicknell said via email when pressed for a comment by The Reporters.

He added: “Wicknell does not faint. Passing out is for POOR PEOPLE. When you are blessed by the heavens, even your lungs operate in a different economy. I really love my wife, and for her, I will do anything.” At press time, Lulu was already engaged in talks with her husband to schedule another glorious fuckfest.

“We Honestly Thought They Were Nigerian, That's Why” – South Africa Explain Their Two Red Cards Against Mexico

By The Reporters 

Saying they were confused by their opponent’s green kit, Bafana Bafana apologized for their violent conduct against tournament co-hosts, Mexico, which resulted in them getting two red cards. They legitimately thought the team was Nigeria and decided to assail them viciously in that manner during the match.

Ronwen Williams, captain of the South African national football team, did not mince his words. “See, back on the continent, Nigeria is the team in green. And at home right now, it is okay, nay, encouraged to beat up on Nigerians!” Williams clamoured.

“We were told by the higher-ups at South African Football Association and Operation Dudula that whenever and wherever we find Africans away from home, we administer harm of the highest order. Unfortunately, our instincts kicked in; I guess you can say we saw red, well green, the moment we saw our opponents looking like a spinach garden.”

Sphephelo Sithole, one of the red-carded players, allegedly further emphasized that the mere sight of scorer Julian Quinones, who is darker-skinned than his teammates, had particularly triggered him.

“You know, with Afrophobic violence, we almost only target Black, Sub-Saharan looking individuals; so most of the lighter-skinned team would have been safe. But I saw this brother in the green shirt and thought ‘surely, That’s Oga over there’. I was wrong.”

Nigeria could not be reached for comment, as they are nowhere to be found at the World Cup.

“Oh, We Apologize For The Confusion. We Thought You Knew We Didn’t Care!” – Harare City Council Responds to Residents

By The Reporters

HARARE – Facing a barrage of criticism for the continued inhumane treatment of residents, the City of Harare councillors recently convened a meeting with various stakeholders, including vendors, residents, representatives from the Ladies of the Night collective, among others to specifically remind them of how mistaken they were in thinking that the council has ever cared for them. 

Stoneridge demolitions

Council members seemed flabbergasted by the hostilities that confronted them, as people of the city laid before them incident upon incident in which their actions had been a betrayal of the basic tenets of Ubuntu including demolishing full-built houses, unregulated clamping of cars, and unattended-to potholes.

In response, council spokeswoman Fadzai Mbiriyekuromba expressed surprise, saying, “The way these people are speaking - you would think they still believe we care! We have been trying to show them for decades now that we’re not here for them, it is frankly embarrassing that they still don’t get it.

“First it was the power cuts and water shutdowns: basics of civilization. Then the potholes, yuck - we just left them. Don’t even get me started on the vendors! Nhai imi, must we physically attack them for them to understand and stop bothering us? 

“We literally watch you pour your life savings into building homes with hammers behind our backs. There is no difference between you and the neighborhood rats which, by the way, stop texting us about trash collection.”

At press time, council members were seen chuckling, chikwee style, upon witnessing a clamp placed on the car of a young expectant father who had run into the pharmacy to pick up some medicine for his wife.

Mnangagwa Insists Constitutional Amendment Bill No. 3 Was Just A Joke Blown Out Of Proportion

By The Reporters

HARARE – President Emmerson Mnangagwa has revealed that Constitutional Amendment Bill No. 3 (CAB3) was just a little joke taken too far by his party members, insisting that he never meant it to be taken too seriously. 

Mnangagwa said that during a politburo meeting at the party headquarters in 2024, he made a joke about amending the Constitution so that he could stay a little bit longer in power. He was absolutely surprised to see the party's inner circle get all too serious with it, he intimated to The Reporters. 

"You know, I was a tad tipsy on whisky, and I made this joke about my staying in power for a little bit longer, you know. It was just made in the spirit of comradeship. Little did I know that we would get here, with the party's machinery imposing this on the great people of Zimbabwe," he said to The Reporters. 

"I thought it was just something my comrades would easily brush over as one of those ED jokes, me being funny and all. But they decided to give me the chance, and I have to say, who am I to refuse an extra two years? I've come to realize it aligns perfectly with the ethos of the revolution," Mnangagwa said. 

Ziyambi Ziyambi, the Justice, Parliamentary, and Legal Affairs minister who is spearheading the drastic legal change in Parliament, remarked that it was in the "best interests" of both the President and the country that the bill comes to life. 

"People say a whole lot of things about ZANU-PF, most of which is nonsense really. Although His Excellency was joking, as the party of the people, we thought it very wise to do this in the best interests of both the President and Zimbabwe. It is for the good of everyone. You know, we should not let some jokes slide. If something benefits everyone, why sleep on it?" 

Ziyambi dismissed sentiments that CAB3 is a foregone conclusion, insisting that there will be "rigorous" debate in Parliament and that legislators could either adopt or discard the bill. The bill has since been presented before Parliament. 

Efforts to get comments from George Charamba, the Deputy Chief Secretary to the President and Cabinet (Presidential Communications), were fruitless at the time of going to press. 

Man Books Appointment With Therapist Despite Being 100% Sure Of The Shitty Decisions He’s Going To Make Soon After

By The Reporters 

NEWLANDS, Harare - Area man Mike Tarumbwa (35) booked an appointment with a therapist in the capital despite being fully certain that he was going to engage in an exercise of disregarding everything that the therapist says to him and continue on his irredeemable path of incessant shitty decisions that have become such a huge marker of his existence ever since adulthood commenced.

Tarumbwa felt the overwhelming urge to put his life in order, compelling him to take the bold decision of booking an appointment with Feel Good Mental Health Services in Newlands, Harare. “Given how everything in my life has been going off script, I just thought it wise to book an appointment with a therapist, you know, get shit off my chest and all that. It’s a bold move, I have to say, and I’m scared as fuck. But we ball regardless,” Tarumbwa intimated to The Reporters just after five minutes of completing the scheduling of the appointment with the receptionist, whom he said was an “adorable hun”.

“You know, sometimes you have to make the uncomfortable decisions. I have always been doing shitty things in my life and I wonder what the cause could be. Maybe it’s the childhood trauma, maybe it’s my wife and our two bloody children, maybe it was the high school bullying. I don’t know. All I know is that the adrenaline and the high I get from making shitty decisions is simply comparable to none,” Tarumbwa continued.

Although he was proud of booking an appointment with Dr. Amy Sanders, one the finest therapists in the capital, Tarumbwa admitted that after the therapy session concludes, he will continue with making shitty decisions.

“Let’s see how this therapy thingy goes. My family – especially my older brother and big sis – have put me in a corner. This whole therapy thing was their idea. I can’t help myself though, I am so sure, hell, 100% sure, that I am going to make shitty, infuriating decisions after the therapy concludes. Dr. Sanders could despise me for it. She is a professional. My family though; those goddamned pricks could even disown me!” He said that regardless of the negativity spurred by his family, he will not stop making shitty decisions.

Dr. Sanders told Tarumbwa in a brief consultation, “You already know what you want to do, Mike.” Mr. Tarumbwa insisted the US$400-per-session appointment had to continue nonetheless. “It’s pretty much convenient to erase the guilt and shame of my own poor mental health actions through therapy,” he bellowed. Despite placing enormous and unwavering faith in liberal economics with his very own life ever since he started shitting solids, he often doesn’t know why he feels like shit every day, making shitty decisions in the process, he revealed to The Reporters.

Local man asked by barber in Harare CBD if he wants a haircut moments after he had just got a new haircut

By The Reporters 

HARARE – Much to his indescribable frustration, local resident Tatenda Matemera (24) was utterly flummoxed after a barber in Harare’s Central Business District (CBD) asked him whether or not he wanted a haircut minutes after he had just got a new haircut from another barber just a few streets away. Matemera, who lives in Houghton Park, told The Reporters that his first instinct upon hearing the question “Togera here?” was to throw a “big punch” to the barber. “I was just walking down Cameron Street, minding my business and feeling extremely victorious in this fresh cut, when all of a sudden I heard a barber asking me that stupid, silly question. To be honest, all I could think of was giving him a big punch right into his face. That would surely put him in his place. Because can’t you see I just got a new haircut here? Like, what the actual fuck?” 

He said the new haircut, which had just resurrected some much-needed points for him, was such a glorious crowning moment that being asked whether or not he wanted the haircut felt disrespectful. Matemera, who got his new haircut in a relatively pristine barbershop housed in the majestic Joina City, added that he knew he was likely going to be asked that “dreadful”question by walking along Cameron Street. “I kinda knew that this dreadful question was to be asked. It was a bit obvious because you know, that’s how it goes. There’s a ragtag bunch of barbers there. It's one of those things you can't avoid in town. But I was optimistic that it would be evident I just got a dope cut from Kingz Cuts at Joina. That stubborn faith terribly let me down.” Bystanders at the scene told The Reporters that Matemera opted not to respond to the question, instead, coming resolutely to the decision that it was better to cuss him silently. Efforts by The Reporters to get a comment from Ronald Kufahakurambwi (33), the barber who asked the question, were in vain as he was already asking another man whether or not he wanted a haircut.

JUST A GIRL

The frigid winter mornings were always hard on Natasha. Not only did she have to brave the elements and help out with the chores around the house; but she also had to deal with the duties of being a deputy parent to her mischievous and often insufferable little and cousin bother. This particular morning strained her psyche for different reasons. The texture of the air was chilling, anxiety swirled with the cold winter air. The mood could have induced grand hysteria in even the dullest oracle.

“Natasha, hurry up you are going to miss the bus”, screamed her mother.

A cloud of mist suddenly enveloped the air outside as soon as she left the house, almost as if Natasha’s uneasiness was augmenting the weather itself. She was now ready to embark on her journey of self-discovery and personal growth. 

“I am right behind you Mama, why are you always like this?” replied Natasha in a hush tone as she lugged her suitcase out of the hut.

Natasha although possessing a modest build was just a girl. House tasks and the odd errand to the growth point or the watering hole gave her a semblance of strength, but the 16-year-old could hardly manage the luggage that her mother had given her to carry her belongings on her trip.

“How am I supposed to calm down when my precious Natasha is on her way to the big city for school? How am I supposed to survive without my brilliant daughter?”, pleaded her mother as she spotted Natasha’s bag on to the top of her head.

Natasha usually could not handle her mother’s overbearing nature, but she summoned strength from the very depths of her soul to refrain from taking her words literally and retreating into the house. It could have been the frigid morning air in Gweru, the uncertainty of not knowing whether or not the bus she was supposed to board had arrived at her station or the anxiousness of a village teenager setting off from her rural home in the reserves; embarking on a journey on roads less travelled that would warrant Natasha this level of vulnerability.

Natasha walked besides her mother, making casual conversation on their way to the bus stop until they reached their destination; trying her best to ease her mind from how much her life was about to change—stewing on how she was going to fare at Harare Polytech College and how much her lifestyle was going to change. As the prospects of leaving home started to become clearer the bus stop sign emerged from the mist.

“Natasha I am going to return home now, Dumisani and Farai will wake up soon and if I do not wake those boys up, they will wake up at noon,” proclaimed her mother as she helped Natasha bring down her often hand luggage at the bus stop.  

“Those silly boys are going to be late for school anyway, they will be fine mother,” insisted Natasha as she fixed her hair and straightened her floral dress with her hands.

“You might be right, but I have to leave you to board your bus now. Don’t forget to take care of yourself and greet your brother for me,” said her mother as she hugged and kissed her goodbye.

Natasha’s mother left her at the bus stop and disappeared into the dissipating mist, leaving her in a melancholy silence anguishing on her mother’s departure and contemplating when they would enjoy her company again. Then at the corner of her eye she saw Mrs. Makoni push her wheelbarrow full of treats towards the bus stop.

As she observed the vendor, she had known all of her life roll into station she thought, “I wonder if Mai Makoni has any Lemony Creamy Biscuits.”, as the mist continued to roll back.

~Fin~

Thanks for reading drop a like and a comment and gear up for the next instalment.

-M.C Bvuma