Bachelor Disagrees With Jesus’ Teaching That Man Shall Not Live By Bread Alone As He Goes To Buy Another Loaf

By The Reporters

BRAESIDE, HARARE – Local bachelor Simbarashe Chiwara (29) has expressed strong disagreement with the teaching of Jesus Christ found in Matthew 4:4 that man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that comes out of the mouth of God. Chiwara said that he doesn’t eat the word of God as that is akin to applying for a death sentence.

“Does it make sense to you, huh, to eat someone’s word? Worse off, eating some imaginary words from an imaginary God?” Chiwara said in exasperation while charging to the nearest Pick n Pay supermarket. He also cited that as a matter of economic convenience, it was impossible for him to agree with Jesus that man shall not live by bread alone. “This cost-of-living thingy, it keeps getting high. I’m always put in a corner, you know. Truly a person rests once they are in the grave,” Chiwara told The Reporters while at the supermarket.

“Another thing is I’m also incredibly lazy to make full meals all the damn time. But it almost always goes back to the economics thing, you feel me? If the money was there, I would have had someone who cooks for me. I’m not saying I would be married, please, don’t get it twisted,” Chiwara stated. “With all due respect to Our Lord and Saviour, I have been living almost exclusively on bread for three consecutive weeks, and look at me, alive and kicking. I still am operational! This easily quashes notions by Jesus that man shall not live by bread alone,” Chiwara continued.

At press time, religious scholars acknowledged that while Jesus Christ’s teaching may remain valid spiritually, the bachelor’s financial and home situation presented a more compelling counterargument – and by the time The Reporters filed this report, Chiwara had already bought another loaf, as well as a couple of buns, croissants, and doughnuts.

Woman Spends Entire Journey Psyching Herself Up To Ask Kombi Conductor For Her Change

By The Reporters

MUTARE – Local woman Gloria Sachiti (26) spent the entirety of her journey from Mutare’s Central Business District (CBD) to Dangamvura where she resides feeling terribly dreadful of asking for her change from the kombi conductor, only doing so just as she told the conductor of where she was dropping off. Mustering all the courage in her, Sachiti finally asked the conductor for her change when she dropped off at the junction near Dangamvura High School, but she was even afraid of telling the conductor that she needed to drop off. 

“I gave the conductor a $10 note, and I knew I was setting myself up for some serious trouble,” Sachiti told The Reporters. She added: “When I was still in town, I tried by all means to find separate loose notes, but I just couldn’t succeed. That’s when I knew kuti pakaipa. The moment I had to give him that $10 note, my heart started pounding. My anxiety shot through the roof! Getting all that change for one person only is such a gargantuan challenge. I asked myself, ‘Am I really entitled to this change?’ That’s how difficult it was.” Sachiti said that throughout the whole journey, she was thinking of a plethora of ways to ask for her change, which was $9. However, she did not register much success in that regard. 

At press time, efforts to get a comment from the conductor were fruitless, but the driver told The Reporters that if passengers remain quiet throughout the journey and not ask for their change – acknowledging that it’s not an easy thing for the nation’s citizens to ask for their change without some palpitations in their hearts – then that would be a sweet win for driver and conductor.

Cold Weather Left Frustrated As Nation’s Women Continue Wearing Skirts, Shorts, And Dresses

By The Reporters

GWERU – Officials from the Meteorological Services Department of Zimbabwe (MSD) confirmed on Tuesday that the cold currents sweeping across the country had failed to deter women from keeping up with their regular dressing styles. Despite temperatures dropping to around 7°C throughout the week, most notably in the city of Gweru, winter was left utterly frustrated as it failed in its mission to instill coldness in women’s bodies. Regular supplies of cold winds and frost were deployed particularly during early mornings and evenings but so far, they have failed to produce the intended results as women are still wearing skirts, shorts, and dresses.

“It always amazes me. I think women’s bodies are made of steel or something. I have to layer up heavily before coming to work, or even when I'm just going anywhere outsiude, yet I still see women strutting around town in their skirts, shorts, and dresses,” Mark Takaindisa, the Director of the MSD said. “Cold weather has clearly failed to win here. It’s a disaster, really,” he added.

Chipo Tarevesa, the Senior Forecaster at MSD, indicated that at the beginning of the winter season, the envisaged goal was to see each and every woman in the country in “bomber jackets, heavy coats, long scarves, warm and comfy jeans and trousers, and heavy, cozy boots”. She indicated that this has not been the case.

“As MSD, we’ve been trying to comfort winter during its frustrations, as clearly the country’s women are still wearing skirts, dresses, and shorts despite this biting cold. Even I myself still go to work wearing my pretty formal skirt. It is just what it is. I cannot let the cold win over my desire to show these glorious glimpses of my body to such a salivating public. But that’s just me. Our forecasts indicate temperatures may dip a bit over the coming weeks, as winter mounts its one last challenge before departing,” Tarevesa told The Reporters.

At press time, several women who spoke to The Reporters insisted that they were “perfectly fine” despite intense shivering and displaying other symptoms commonly associated with hypothermia.

It Has Emerged That The ‘Limit’ In ‘Blacks Unlimited’ Was $1 Million All Along

By The Reporters 

OREGON, U.S. – Insisting that every ideology has a market value, Chimurenga legend Thomas Mapfumo reportedly explained that Blacks Unlimited had, contrary to popular belief, always come with a price tag. The ‘Lion of Zimbabwe’ rolling a microphone-sized blunt from behind his home studio, nonchalantly explained to captive reporters, “You see vafana, like I said, ndezvebasa izvi. You have to remember, when we came up with the name ‘Blacks Unlimited’ we never imagined that somebody would offer us a million dollars. If we did, we did not anticipate it would be someone who represents everything I have spent the past six decades standing against; but you know, the ancestors work in mysterious ways!” At press time, Tafirenyika was excitedly holding court with his band, each one yelling out what they intend to do with their hefty payday. “For a cool half a mil more, I’ll change the name to ‘Trabablas Unlimited!’ Ndezvebasa izvi varume,” Mapfumo proclaimed as he bid The Reporters farewell.

Government Confirms Constitutional Amendment Bill Number 4 Already In Advanced Stages, With Ziyambi Rumoured To Be Working On Constitutional Amendment Bill Number Infinity

By The Reporters 

HARARE – Shortly after President Emmerson Mnangagwa signed Constitutional Amendment Bill No. 3 into law yesterday, word circulating in the capital was that Constitutional Amendment Bill No. 4 is now in advanced stages and ready to be tabled in Parliament as soon as yesterday. Christened CAB4 already, the Bill sets its sights on convincing the average Zimbabwean to think that CAB3 was absolutely constitutional and legally above board. The Bill, among other things, also seeks to increase the number of constitutional amendment bills that can be introduced in a calendar year. 

Impeccable sources within government also confirmed that Ziyambi Ziyambi, the Minister of Justice, Parliamentary, and Legal Affairs has begun preliminary work on Constitutional Amendment Bill Number Infinity. It is said that Ziyambi has not slept in several months as he is fervently working through an infinite number of constitutional amendment proposals. It is said that Ziyambi has already become agitated that CAB4 is not even yet before Parliament despite everything being in place already. 

“The honourable minister cannot go for more than three days without amending a provision in our beloved Constitution. Of course, detractors will say he is at the forefront of mutilating the Constitution, but all I am seeing, in all honesty, is a patriotic son of the soil doing the Lord’s work,” said Tatenda Mavetera, who heads the ICT ministry. 

Ziyambi himself was buoyant when contacted by The Reporters. “Firstly, I feel like touching the sky because of CAB3. You peasants honestly thought we weren’t going to make it law? How brazen of you! 

“How many times do I have to tell you people that the Constitution is a living document and obviously it requires constant updates. Now that CAB3 is law, we have a plethora of other bills to amend the Constitution, and this means well for our country. You can agree with me that there is no way you are going to expect me to keep using a 2013 Constitution when we are now in 2026,” he said. 

“Our unwavering long-term vision, in tandem with Vision 2030, is to amend the Constitution so efficiently to the point where the Constitution can even amend itself without our input.”

One of the proposals, Constitutional Amendment Bill Number 231, will establish a Bill responsible for overseeing the other Constitutional Amendment Bills. At press time, Ziyambi told The Reporters to assure the citizens that they should not worry about the excessive speed CAB3 was passed with. He insisted that several future amendments had already been drafted, translated, gazetted, debated, passed, challenged, and upheld by the courts. The Reporters failed to get a comment from the President. 

Is Winky D’s ‘One Big Party’ An Ode To ZANU PF? The Answer May Surprise You!

By Wena Crook 

Over the past decade and a half, Winky D has established himself as not only one of his generation’s most iconic artists, but as one of the most popular individuals in the country. Much of this has been rooted in his sociopolitical commentary, which has earned him the title, “Poor People’s Devotee.” 

Furthermore, the Gafa, has also made numerous references to Zimbabwean party politics; whether implied (Gafa Party, Gafa Chete Chete) or more explicit (Dzemudanga etc.)

Naturally, this affinity has led to speculation on whether the Jabhuna choirmaster will ever consider electoral politics. These rumors have made it back to our collective timelines with the recent release of the big man’s “Big Party” EP and, in particular, the lead single therefrom, One Big Party.

A deputy receptionist at the Ministry of Information has allegedly contacted the press (amply watering the grapevine) to declare that they have it on good authority that the song, released in the wake of Constitutional Amendment Bill No. 3, was secretly a manifesto for the party. 

“Think about it,” the sweaty underling said animatedly, “One big party? There is only one big party in this country! It was a matter of time before Winky D made his way home.”

So what do you think? Is the Ninja president pivoting?

No. Of course not. Don't be ridiculous.

“It’s Always ‘Go See Victor’ And Never ‘Go See How Victor is Doing!’” Nation’s Most Famous Runner Decries Neglect

By Wena Crook 

Bemoaning how Sir Wicknell Chivayo's now-famous instruction to beneficiaries to "Go See Victor!" had made him one of the most recognisable names in Zimbabwe while reducing him to little more than a glorified dispenser of car keys, Victor said he was tired of nobody asking how he was doing.

“Do you people even know what my totem is? What my surname is? Just once, it would be nice to hear ‘how have you been lately?’” he bemoaned as he hurriedly dug through drawers for three sets of Aqua keys for some Rhumba artists that recently performed at a rally in Kitsiyatota.

“Last time, one of the national team players, the one from the other blue team, was here to pick up his keys. I tried to tell him how I had scored a hat-trick at my church’s Family Sunday Play-Off, and he wasn’t even trying to hear me,” Victor lamented. 

He added: “The player said ‘Sorry, Vincent …Sir told me to just get the keys; I’ve got places to be.’ Vincent! Me? Unohwa seunotsva.”

At press time, Victor was flipping through the photo folder, showing our team of reporters pictures of the last time he was back at his rural home, before a phone call from his boss telling him that a Magician he had seen doing tricks at ZITF was on his way to pick up a car.

Waterfalls Residents Besiege Town House Demanding That Mayor And Town Clerk Show Them Exactly Where The Falls Are Located

By The Reporters

HARARE – Residents of Waterfalls suburb in Harare have come out guns blazing, as they laid a spirited siege at Town House demanding that the Mayor and Town Clerk, show them exactly where the falls are located, adding that they would not leave Town House until they were furnished with satisfactory answers. 

Jacob Mafume, the Mayor, and Warren Chiwawa, the Acting Town Clerk were clearly befuddled but assured residents that their pleas were not “falling on deaf ears”. 

For years, residents of Waterfalls have endured the painful realization of living in a suburb whose major attraction they have no clue about. Mary Govere (43) said that she has had enough. “I bought a stand here brimming with the excitement that at last I was living in an urban area adorned with natural wonders. I thought I was moving into a pristine area of the city, with breathtaking views of the falls. Yet up to now no one from the city council has shown us where the falls are, what a disappointment,” Govere barked while waving a placard that read, “SHOW US THE FALLS!” 

Some said that they have lived in the suburb since the days of colonialism and they are still baffled that both the colonial and black local governments have not cared to show them where the waterfalls are exactly located. “See, I purchased property in Waterfalls in 1976, we were among the few blacks getting into the much-coveted middle class then. We thought at that point that the white-run council would show us the falls, but they didn’t,” said Taurai Madiro (81). 

“We said okay, it’s not a problem, the dawn of independence presented a golden opportunity for the council to show us the falls. But can you imagine, 46 years later we still don’t know where the falls are. And we came into Waterfalls on the sole basis of wanting to see the falls. Our children, our grandchildren, they are disappointed in us I tell you,” added Madiro. 

Mayor Mafume said that although the city would do everything in its power to finally reveal the location of the falls, residents should be wary of wasting the council’s time as well as theirs, with Chiwawa telling the press, “Their pleas are not falling on deaf ears”. At press time, residents of Highlands had also begun demanding authorities explain the whereabouts of the highlands. 

Wife Lulu Really Surprised That Wicknell Chivayo Did Not Pass Out During All Night Fuckfest

By The Reporters 

HARARE – Much to the shock and surprise of Lucy ‘Lulu’ Muteke, Wicknell Chivayo maintained full and robust consciousness throughout a gruelling marital fuckfest that lasted for eight hours, in a major development that has also greatly baffled medical practitioners and fitness experts. It is reported that Wicknell would simply not back down, proving to all and sundry how capable he is of pulling off miracles like these.

Lulu could not believe her eyes witnessing the unrivalled stamina Wicknell possesses. Just before the fuckfest commenced at around 11PM (the time exactly planned by the gorgeous couple) Lulu had arranged for ambulances to be stationed at their palatial mansion. But as the night unfolded, it became abundantly clear that the need for ambulances and emergency response teams had been rendered futile.

“My lovely, all-caring husband and I wanted to do something entirely different for our blossoming marriage. We wanted to get a little adventurous, but at the same time still tethered to our core values of humility and togetherness. So we planned this marital marathon, or what the streets may call a fuckfest. To be honest with you, I was extremely nervous and worried over how this would turn out, but let me just say I got the shock of my life,” Lulu told The Reporters.

“Precautions are a necessary part of such a marital exercise, given the stature of my husband. Before we started, I ensured that an ambulance was there at our beautiful home, together with well-prepared emergency rescue teams. It soon turned out that I had gotten ahead of myself. My husband just kept going and going and going. The sheer virility he exhibited throughout the night just left me tongue-tied. Not once did he tire. I was amazed, honestly,” Lulu added.

Lulu said that by the time the fuckfest concluded at around 7AM, Wicknell was still in shape, ready to do more rounds. It was only due to Lulu’s inevitable fatigue that the fuckfest came to a conclusion. Medical experts, particularly those who were at the scene, were absolutely stunned by Wicknell’s shift, with some describing it as a “medical anomaly” – one that has left the Zimbabwean medical community scraping for answers.

“I don’t even know how to describe this,” Dr. Henry Kufauripo (one of the doctors stationed at the mansion) said. “Wicknell has left us in a state of unprecedented incredulity. And if I’m being straight with you, we are all a little envious of the great feat this man achieved. This is a miracle. A man of that size? You must be kidding me! We are still studying this phenomenon, and we are sure to give you comprehensive results,” Dr. Kufauripo stated.

Wicknell himself was ecstatic and, true to his fashion, boisterous. He credited his record-breaking display of virility to The Almighty God, The Heavenly Father, Creator & Ruler Of All Universes. “I will categorically make this clear: when it comes to sex, body size does not matter. It does not matter how fat your bank account is, or how many Maybachs and Rolls-Royces you drive. People forget that marriage is a HOLY UNION blessed by GOD THE ALMIGHTY. Therefore if you do not ask for STRENGTH from Him, you will perish. You will NOT PLEASE YOUR WIFE. It can only be God,” Wicknell said via email when pressed for a comment by The Reporters.

He added: “Wicknell does not faint. Passing out is for POOR PEOPLE. When you are blessed by the heavens, even your lungs operate in a different economy. I really love my wife, and for her, I will do anything.” At press time, Lulu was already engaged in talks with her husband to schedule another glorious fuckfest.

“We Honestly Thought They Were Nigerian, That's Why” – South Africa Explain Their Two Red Cards Against Mexico

By The Reporters 

Saying they were confused by their opponent’s green kit, Bafana Bafana apologized for their violent conduct against tournament co-hosts, Mexico, which resulted in them getting two red cards. They legitimately thought the team was Nigeria and decided to assail them viciously in that manner during the match.

Ronwen Williams, captain of the South African national football team, did not mince his words. “See, back on the continent, Nigeria is the team in green. And at home right now, it is okay, nay, encouraged to beat up on Nigerians!” Williams clamoured.

“We were told by the higher-ups at South African Football Association and Operation Dudula that whenever and wherever we find Africans away from home, we administer harm of the highest order. Unfortunately, our instincts kicked in; I guess you can say we saw red, well green, the moment we saw our opponents looking like a spinach garden.”

Sphephelo Sithole, one of the red-carded players, allegedly further emphasized that the mere sight of scorer Julian Quinones, who is darker-skinned than his teammates, had particularly triggered him.

“You know, with Afrophobic violence, we almost only target Black, Sub-Saharan looking individuals; so most of the lighter-skinned team would have been safe. But I saw this brother in the green shirt and thought ‘surely, That’s Oga over there’. I was wrong.”

Nigeria could not be reached for comment, as they are nowhere to be found at the World Cup.

“Oh, We Apologize For The Confusion. We Thought You Knew We Didn’t Care!” – Harare City Council Responds to Residents

By The Reporters

HARARE – Facing a barrage of criticism for the continued inhumane treatment of residents, the City of Harare councillors recently convened a meeting with various stakeholders, including vendors, residents, representatives from the Ladies of the Night collective, among others to specifically remind them of how mistaken they were in thinking that the council has ever cared for them. 

Stoneridge demolitions

Council members seemed flabbergasted by the hostilities that confronted them, as people of the city laid before them incident upon incident in which their actions had been a betrayal of the basic tenets of Ubuntu including demolishing full-built houses, unregulated clamping of cars, and unattended-to potholes.

In response, council spokeswoman Fadzai Mbiriyekuromba expressed surprise, saying, “The way these people are speaking - you would think they still believe we care! We have been trying to show them for decades now that we’re not here for them, it is frankly embarrassing that they still don’t get it.

“First it was the power cuts and water shutdowns: basics of civilization. Then the potholes, yuck - we just left them. Don’t even get me started on the vendors! Nhai imi, must we physically attack them for them to understand and stop bothering us? 

“We literally watch you pour your life savings into building homes with hammers behind our backs. There is no difference between you and the neighborhood rats which, by the way, stop texting us about trash collection.”

At press time, council members were seen chuckling, chikwee style, upon witnessing a clamp placed on the car of a young expectant father who had run into the pharmacy to pick up some medicine for his wife.

Mnangagwa Insists Constitutional Amendment Bill No. 3 Was Just A Joke Blown Out Of Proportion

By The Reporters

HARARE – President Emmerson Mnangagwa has revealed that Constitutional Amendment Bill No. 3 (CAB3) was just a little joke taken too far by his party members, insisting that he never meant it to be taken too seriously. 

Mnangagwa said that during a politburo meeting at the party headquarters in 2024, he made a joke about amending the Constitution so that he could stay a little bit longer in power. He was absolutely surprised to see the party's inner circle get all too serious with it, he intimated to The Reporters. 

"You know, I was a tad tipsy on whisky, and I made this joke about my staying in power for a little bit longer, you know. It was just made in the spirit of comradeship. Little did I know that we would get here, with the party's machinery imposing this on the great people of Zimbabwe," he said to The Reporters. 

"I thought it was just something my comrades would easily brush over as one of those ED jokes, me being funny and all. But they decided to give me the chance, and I have to say, who am I to refuse an extra two years? I've come to realize it aligns perfectly with the ethos of the revolution," Mnangagwa said. 

Ziyambi Ziyambi, the Justice, Parliamentary, and Legal Affairs minister who is spearheading the drastic legal change in Parliament, remarked that it was in the "best interests" of both the President and the country that the bill comes to life. 

"People say a whole lot of things about ZANU-PF, most of which is nonsense really. Although His Excellency was joking, as the party of the people, we thought it very wise to do this in the best interests of both the President and Zimbabwe. It is for the good of everyone. You know, we should not let some jokes slide. If something benefits everyone, why sleep on it?" 

Ziyambi dismissed sentiments that CAB3 is a foregone conclusion, insisting that there will be "rigorous" debate in Parliament and that legislators could either adopt or discard the bill. The bill has since been presented before Parliament. 

Efforts to get comments from George Charamba, the Deputy Chief Secretary to the President and Cabinet (Presidential Communications), were fruitless at the time of going to press. 

Man Books Appointment With Therapist Despite Being 100% Sure Of The Shitty Decisions He’s Going To Make Soon After

By The Reporters 

NEWLANDS, Harare - Area man Mike Tarumbwa (35) booked an appointment with a therapist in the capital despite being fully certain that he was going to engage in an exercise of disregarding everything that the therapist says to him and continue on his irredeemable path of incessant shitty decisions that have become such a huge marker of his existence ever since adulthood commenced.

Tarumbwa felt the overwhelming urge to put his life in order, compelling him to take the bold decision of booking an appointment with Feel Good Mental Health Services in Newlands, Harare. “Given how everything in my life has been going off script, I just thought it wise to book an appointment with a therapist, you know, get shit off my chest and all that. It’s a bold move, I have to say, and I’m scared as fuck. But we ball regardless,” Tarumbwa intimated to The Reporters just after five minutes of completing the scheduling of the appointment with the receptionist, whom he said was an “adorable hun”.

“You know, sometimes you have to make the uncomfortable decisions. I have always been doing shitty things in my life and I wonder what the cause could be. Maybe it’s the childhood trauma, maybe it’s my wife and our two bloody children, maybe it was the high school bullying. I don’t know. All I know is that the adrenaline and the high I get from making shitty decisions is simply comparable to none,” Tarumbwa continued.

Although he was proud of booking an appointment with Dr. Amy Sanders, one the finest therapists in the capital, Tarumbwa admitted that after the therapy session concludes, he will continue with making shitty decisions.

“Let’s see how this therapy thingy goes. My family – especially my older brother and big sis – have put me in a corner. This whole therapy thing was their idea. I can’t help myself though, I am so sure, hell, 100% sure, that I am going to make shitty, infuriating decisions after the therapy concludes. Dr. Sanders could despise me for it. She is a professional. My family though; those goddamned pricks could even disown me!” He said that regardless of the negativity spurred by his family, he will not stop making shitty decisions.

Dr. Sanders told Tarumbwa in a brief consultation, “You already know what you want to do, Mike.” Mr. Tarumbwa insisted the US$400-per-session appointment had to continue nonetheless. “It’s pretty much convenient to erase the guilt and shame of my own poor mental health actions through therapy,” he bellowed. Despite placing enormous and unwavering faith in liberal economics with his very own life ever since he started shitting solids, he often doesn’t know why he feels like shit every day, making shitty decisions in the process, he revealed to The Reporters.