Is Winky D’s ‘One Big Party’ An Ode To ZANU PF? The Answer May Surprise You!

By Wena Crook 

Over the past decade and a half, Winky D has established himself as not only one of his generation’s most iconic artists, but as one of the most popular individuals in the country. Much of this has been rooted in his sociopolitical commentary, which has earned him the title, “Poor People’s Devotee.” 

Furthermore, the Gafa, has also made numerous references to Zimbabwean party politics; whether implied (Gafa Party, Gafa Chete Chete) or more explicit (Dzemudanga etc.)

Naturally, this affinity has led to speculation on whether the Jabhuna choirmaster will ever consider electoral politics. These rumors have made it back to our collective timelines with the recent release of the big man’s “Big Party” EP and, in particular, the lead single therefrom, One Big Party.

A deputy receptionist at the Ministry of Information has allegedly contacted the press (amply watering the grapevine) to declare that they have it on good authority that the song, released in the wake of Constitutional Amendment Bill No. 3, was secretly a manifesto for the party. 

“Think about it,” the sweaty underling said animatedly, “One big party? There is only one big party in this country! It was a matter of time before Winky D made his way home.”

So what do you think? Is the Ninja president pivoting?

No. Of course not. Don't be ridiculous.

“It’s Always ‘Go See Victor’ And Never ‘Go See How Victor is Doing!’” Nation’s Most Famous Runner Decries Neglect

By Wena Crook 

Bemoaning how Sir Wicknell Chivayo's now-famous instruction to beneficiaries to "Go See Victor!" had made him one of the most recognisable names in Zimbabwe while reducing him to little more than a glorified dispenser of car keys, Victor said he was tired of nobody asking how he was doing.

“Do you people even know what my totem is? What my surname is? Just once, it would be nice to hear ‘how have you been lately?’” he bemoaned as he hurriedly dug through drawers for three sets of Aqua keys for some Rhumba artists that recently performed at a rally in Kitsiyatota.

“Last time, one of the national team players, the one from the other blue team, was here to pick up his keys. I tried to tell him how I had scored a hat-trick at my church’s Family Sunday Play-Off, and he wasn’t even trying to hear me,” Victor lamented. 

He added: “The player said ‘Sorry, Vincent …Sir told me to just get the keys; I’ve got places to be.’ Vincent! Me? Unohwa seunotsva.”

At press time, Victor was flipping through the photo folder, showing our team of reporters pictures of the last time he was back at his rural home, before a phone call from his boss telling him that a Magician he had seen doing tricks at ZITF was on his way to pick up a car.

Waterfalls Residents Besiege Town House Demanding That Mayor And Town Clerk Show Them Exactly Where The Falls Are Located

By The Reporters

HARARE – Residents of Waterfalls suburb in Harare have come out guns blazing, as they laid a spirited siege at Town House demanding that the Mayor and Town Clerk, show them exactly where the falls are located, adding that they would not leave Town House until they were furnished with satisfactory answers. 

Jacob Mafume, the Mayor, and Warren Chiwawa, the Acting Town Clerk were clearly befuddled but assured residents that their pleas were not “falling on deaf ears”. 

For years, residents of Waterfalls have endured the painful realization of living in a suburb whose major attraction they have no clue about. Mary Govere (43) said that she has had enough. “I bought a stand here brimming with the excitement that at last I was living in an urban area adorned with natural wonders. I thought I was moving into a pristine area of the city, with breathtaking views of the falls. Yet up to now no one from the city council has shown us where the falls are, what a disappointment,” Govere barked while waving a placard that read, “SHOW US THE FALLS!” 

Some said that they have lived in the suburb since the days of colonialism and they are still baffled that both the colonial and black local governments have not cared to show them where the waterfalls are exactly located. “See, I purchased property in Waterfalls in 1976, we were among the few blacks getting into the much-coveted middle class then. We thought at that point that the white-run council would show us the falls, but they didn’t,” said Taurai Madiro (81). 

“We said okay, it’s not a problem, the dawn of independence presented a golden opportunity for the council to show us the falls. But can you imagine, 46 years later we still don’t know where the falls are. And we came into Waterfalls on the sole basis of wanting to see the falls. Our children, our grandchildren, they are disappointed in us I tell you,” added Madiro. 

Mayor Mafume said that although the city would do everything in its power to finally reveal the location of the falls, residents should be wary of wasting the council’s time as well as theirs, with Chiwawa telling the press, “Their pleas are not falling on deaf ears”. At press time, residents of Highlands had also begun demanding authorities explain the whereabouts of the highlands. 

Wife Lulu Really Surprised That Wicknell Chivayo Did Not Pass Out During All Night Fuckfest

By The Reporters 

HARARE – Much to the shock and surprise of Lucy ‘Lulu’ Muteke, Wicknell Chivayo maintained full and robust consciousness throughout a gruelling marital fuckfest that lasted for eight hours, in a major development that has also greatly baffled medical practitioners and fitness experts. It is reported that Wicknell would simply not back down, proving to all and sundry how capable he is of pulling off miracles like these.

Lulu could not believe her eyes witnessing the unrivalled stamina Wicknell possesses. Just before the fuckfest commenced at around 11PM (the time exactly planned by the gorgeous couple) Lulu had arranged for ambulances to be stationed at their palatial mansion. But as the night unfolded, it became abundantly clear that the need for ambulances and emergency response teams had been rendered futile.

“My lovely, all-caring husband and I wanted to do something entirely different for our blossoming marriage. We wanted to get a little adventurous, but at the same time still tethered to our core values of humility and togetherness. So we planned this marital marathon, or what the streets may call a fuckfest. To be honest with you, I was extremely nervous and worried over how this would turn out, but let me just say I got the shock of my life,” Lulu told The Reporters.

“Precautions are a necessary part of such a marital exercise, given the stature of my husband. Before we started, I ensured that an ambulance was there at our beautiful home, together with well-prepared emergency rescue teams. It soon turned out that I had gotten ahead of myself. My husband just kept going and going and going. The sheer virility he exhibited throughout the night just left me tongue-tied. Not once did he tire. I was amazed, honestly,” Lulu added.

Lulu said that by the time the fuckfest concluded at around 7AM, Wicknell was still in shape, ready to do more rounds. It was only due to Lulu’s inevitable fatigue that the fuckfest came to a conclusion. Medical experts, particularly those who were at the scene, were absolutely stunned by Wicknell’s shift, with some describing it as a “medical anomaly” – one that has left the Zimbabwean medical community scraping for answers.

“I don’t even know how to describe this,” Dr. Henry Kufauripo (one of the doctors stationed at the mansion) said. “Wicknell has left us in a state of unprecedented incredulity. And if I’m being straight with you, we are all a little envious of the great feat this man achieved. This is a miracle. A man of that size? You must be kidding me! We are still studying this phenomenon, and we are sure to give you comprehensive results,” Dr. Kufauripo stated.

Wicknell himself was ecstatic and, true to his fashion, boisterous. He credited his record-breaking display of virility to The Almighty God, The Heavenly Father, Creator & Ruler Of All Universes. “I will categorically make this clear: when it comes to sex, body size does not matter. It does not matter how fat your bank account is, or how many Maybachs and Rolls-Royces you drive. People forget that marriage is a HOLY UNION blessed by GOD THE ALMIGHTY. Therefore if you do not ask for STRENGTH from Him, you will perish. You will NOT PLEASE YOUR WIFE. It can only be God,” Wicknell said via email when pressed for a comment by The Reporters.

He added: “Wicknell does not faint. Passing out is for POOR PEOPLE. When you are blessed by the heavens, even your lungs operate in a different economy. I really love my wife, and for her, I will do anything.” At press time, Lulu was already engaged in talks with her husband to schedule another glorious fuckfest.

“We Honestly Thought They Were Nigerian, That's Why” – South Africa Explain Their Two Red Cards Against Mexico

By The Reporters 

Saying they were confused by their opponent’s green kit, Bafana Bafana apologized for their violent conduct against tournament co-hosts, Mexico, which resulted in them getting two red cards. They legitimately thought the team was Nigeria and decided to assail them viciously in that manner during the match.

Ronwen Williams, captain of the South African national football team, did not mince his words. “See, back on the continent, Nigeria is the team in green. And at home right now, it is okay, nay, encouraged to beat up on Nigerians!” Williams clamoured.

“We were told by the higher-ups at South African Football Association and Operation Dudula that whenever and wherever we find Africans away from home, we administer harm of the highest order. Unfortunately, our instincts kicked in; I guess you can say we saw red, well green, the moment we saw our opponents looking like a spinach garden.”

Sphephelo Sithole, one of the red-carded players, allegedly further emphasized that the mere sight of scorer Julian Quinones, who is darker-skinned than his teammates, had particularly triggered him.

“You know, with Afrophobic violence, we almost only target Black, Sub-Saharan looking individuals; so most of the lighter-skinned team would have been safe. But I saw this brother in the green shirt and thought ‘surely, That’s Oga over there’. I was wrong.”

Nigeria could not be reached for comment, as they are nowhere to be found at the World Cup.

“Oh, We Apologize For The Confusion. We Thought You Knew We Didn’t Care!” – Harare City Council Responds to Residents

By The Reporters

HARARE – Facing a barrage of criticism for the continued inhumane treatment of residents, the City of Harare councillors recently convened a meeting with various stakeholders, including vendors, residents, representatives from the Ladies of the Night collective, among others to specifically remind them of how mistaken they were in thinking that the council has ever cared for them. 

Stoneridge demolitions

Council members seemed flabbergasted by the hostilities that confronted them, as people of the city laid before them incident upon incident in which their actions had been a betrayal of the basic tenets of Ubuntu including demolishing full-built houses, unregulated clamping of cars, and unattended-to potholes.

In response, council spokeswoman Fadzai Mbiriyekuromba expressed surprise, saying, “The way these people are speaking - you would think they still believe we care! We have been trying to show them for decades now that we’re not here for them, it is frankly embarrassing that they still don’t get it.

“First it was the power cuts and water shutdowns: basics of civilization. Then the potholes, yuck - we just left them. Don’t even get me started on the vendors! Nhai imi, must we physically attack them for them to understand and stop bothering us? 

“We literally watch you pour your life savings into building homes with hammers behind our backs. There is no difference between you and the neighborhood rats which, by the way, stop texting us about trash collection.”

At press time, council members were seen chuckling, chikwee style, upon witnessing a clamp placed on the car of a young expectant father who had run into the pharmacy to pick up some medicine for his wife.

Mnangagwa Insists Constitutional Amendment Bill No. 3 Was Just A Joke Blown Out Of Proportion

By The Reporters

HARARE – President Emmerson Mnangagwa has revealed that Constitutional Amendment Bill No. 3 (CAB3) was just a little joke taken too far by his party members, insisting that he never meant it to be taken too seriously. 

Mnangagwa said that during a politburo meeting at the party headquarters in 2024, he made a joke about amending the Constitution so that he could stay a little bit longer in power. He was absolutely surprised to see the party's inner circle get all too serious with it, he intimated to The Reporters. 

"You know, I was a tad tipsy on whisky, and I made this joke about my staying in power for a little bit longer, you know. It was just made in the spirit of comradeship. Little did I know that we would get here, with the party's machinery imposing this on the great people of Zimbabwe," he said to The Reporters. 

"I thought it was just something my comrades would easily brush over as one of those ED jokes, me being funny and all. But they decided to give me the chance, and I have to say, who am I to refuse an extra two years? I've come to realize it aligns perfectly with the ethos of the revolution," Mnangagwa said. 

Ziyambi Ziyambi, the Justice, Parliamentary, and Legal Affairs minister who is spearheading the drastic legal change in Parliament, remarked that it was in the "best interests" of both the President and the country that the bill comes to life. 

"People say a whole lot of things about ZANU-PF, most of which is nonsense really. Although His Excellency was joking, as the party of the people, we thought it very wise to do this in the best interests of both the President and Zimbabwe. It is for the good of everyone. You know, we should not let some jokes slide. If something benefits everyone, why sleep on it?" 

Ziyambi dismissed sentiments that CAB3 is a foregone conclusion, insisting that there will be "rigorous" debate in Parliament and that legislators could either adopt or discard the bill. The bill has since been presented before Parliament. 

Efforts to get comments from George Charamba, the Deputy Chief Secretary to the President and Cabinet (Presidential Communications), were fruitless at the time of going to press.