July 15, 2022

UZ Law Graduate Utterly Crushed After Finding Out That Real Life Law Practice Does Not Look Anything Like 'Suits' Or 'How To Get Away With Murder'

By Intertwined-Zimbabwe

ALEX PARK, HARARE – A buoyant graduate from the University of Zimbabwe’s law school was utterly crushed beyond any reasonable doubt upon his first week at a burgeoning law firm in Harare. His expectations of what the legal practice entails varied radically with what he spent digesting on TV during his law school years.  


Is this what a lawyer's office in Zim looks like?

Tinotenda Machiridza, the 24-year-old graduate who recently graduated from the country’s relic of an institution remarked that he expected to be doing what Harvey Spector and Annalise Keating did in the legal TV dramas Suits and How to Get Away with Murder – oblivious to the fact that these are merely fictitious characters in screen productions from the United States of fucking America. 


“I thought my first week here at McFodden and Mangwere Law Chambers would catapult me to the levels of a super lawyer as they do in Suits and How To Get Away With Murder. I was expecting that week in week out I would be crushing opponents ruthlessly and cleverly both in court and with out-of-court settlements. My averment here is that this is truly and by all accounts a phenomenally monumental disaster. This is how they do law in Zimbabwe? What a fuckery!” 


At the time of going to press, Machiridza, who now practices at McFodden and Mangwere Law Chambers in Alexandra Park, intimated to The Reporters how he hates the “atmosphere” at the courts in the capital.  


“How will I be able to do what Harvey does at this shite Magistrates Court where the atmosphere is like we are begging the Judicial Service Commission to practice law? Huh? I am a clever young man. I deserve better. The High Court feels like a gladiator's pit. No glamour there. And why didn’t anyone tell me that on top of a shite registration process to be a legal practitioner, I would be dealing with sub-standard pleadings all day and just waiting for postponements at the Magistrates? This is catastrophic. My soul is crushed.”


The Reporters confirmed that the crushed UZ law graduate vowed to bring better standards among the country’s lawyers and judges so as to reflect what is done in Suits and How to Get Away with Murder.  


However, one of the senior partners at his workplace, Donny McFodden, recommended that he better watch Better Call Saul for a true representation of what lawyering is like in the United States of fucking America. Perhaps even in Zimbabwe, too.

June 05, 2022

LONG READ: “The Sound Has Changed!” Cry Pundits Who Called for ZimDancehall Sound to Change

 By Intertwined-Zimbabwe

HARARE, ZIMBABWE; AND BERLIN, GERMANY – “If you call this ZimDancehall, you may need to get checked!” These are the incendiary words that a prominent cultural critic - the vital but contradictory head honcho of the burgeoning platform Ear-on-the-Speaker-Zw - screamed and bellowed upon hearing Killer T’s new sizzling Sungura-Afropop-And-Unknown-Kanindo-influenced smash hit ‘Hakete.’

Snapshot of Killer T's 'Hakete' YouTube music video. Image sourced from the randomness of the interwebs' search engines.

This is despite the precedent of the same critic leading the charge against the genre’s perceived resistance to change.  His contradictions (expressed primarily via the Digital Streets Wherein the Social meets the Media, notably Facebook, and to a lesser extent the bird app Twitter) in demanding an urgent evolution of the ZimDancehall sound, for an organically distinctive original Zim sound free from Jamaica/Caribbean copycatism, yet at the same time humorously but seriously denouncing the same evolution as expressed by the former dem-po-po-po-po-po-po Matapi Zion chanter Killer T, are spectacularly incredible. 

The contradictions are unparalleled, par-excellence. The Reporters, as such, delved into a tremendously deep excursion of investigative journalism to get to the bottom of this ZimDancehall evolutionary sound-change phenomenon; a bulwark against the conventionally misguided tropes of Jamaica/Caribbean copycatism. 

(The Ear-on-the-Speaker-Zw boss, who incited the notion that Killer T's Hakete is not ZimDancehall, is alleged by other non-musical and musical gatekeepers of the genre that he sometimes exudes the uncanny habit of revelling in such contradictions. Probably another classic case of the legendary ‘svoto’ or ‘finhu’: just like a certain political party that rules the teapot-shaped country with a bronze and silver fist, ZIFA, the Warriors, and/or the Chevrons. We digress. Apologies.)

Announcing itself as a distinct, stubborn, parent-hated, and Christian-and-Hegemony-hated genre of urban music in the mid 2000s, ZimDancehall became arguably the most eminent genre (and certainly among the perennially misguided & truant urban youth) over the course of the 2010s.

Throughout its turbulent existence, it has come under a myriad of scathing, disingenuous, and often fake-deep criticisms. In predictable cases of extremism, this baseless bashing and slander exercise that ZimDancehall is ruthlessly subjected to, often without context and nuance, has come from Christianity, Parents, and Hegemony; this ominous three-pronged arch-nemesis really hates ZimDancehall, its chanters & producers, as well as its loyal and fickle fans alike. 

While most of the criticism has come from the moral police who fault the music for its perceived vices and societal decadence (conveniently forgetting that the debauchery and decay that the Dancehall kids sing about reigned supreme way before the proliferation of the genre – but again, we digress), the frequently recurrent condemnation of its sound has been, “It’s simply ripped off Jamaican Dancehall music!”

With the genre experiencing tumults as well as a slight dip in popularity in recent years, the self-positioned and crudely hegemonic cultural polymaths have diagnosed this very [stubborn] insistence on retaining the Caribbean influence of the music (also known as copycatism) as the dominant cause of waning popularity — and not, maybe, just a result of the same goddamn cyclical nature of the arts that affects just about any music, nay, cultural trend. Vapid or with substance. 

Some arm-chair non-musical experts (in their purported polemic and/or apologetic rants of diagnosing ZimDancehall's fucked up problem with an attendant panacea), attribute this slight popularity dip mainly due to the immensely saddening and untimely demise of its selfless revolutionary iconoclast popularly known in ZimDancehall parlance as Sauro or Ngwendeza. 

But such lazy intellectual apologetics are terribly flimsy; as The Reporters have unearthed in a ground-breaking investigation conducted on the actual ground, this shaky and unfounded lazy intellectual argument is flimsy because non-mainstream ZimDancehall chanters & producers have kept the torch alive. 

The Reporters also discovered, with tremendous perplexity, that some of the moral police are ostensibly dizzied by the lofty heights of the high ground. 

Perhaps heeding this criticism or, more likely, allowing the music to evolve organically as the years have passed, many of the prominent artists within ZimDancehall have now created a sound/sounds—or rather, a conflated potpourri of sounds— that are distinctive to either the genre or themselves. Harare's extrication from Kingston's ReggaeDancehall, Dub, and Soca. This new ZimDancehall sound, which is passionately loved and pushed vociferously by hardcore mainstream adherents (listeners, media practitioners, Editors, and non-musical academics and gatekeepers), is largely and conspicuously unrecognizable when played alongside its Jamaican Dancehall counterparts. The new ZimDancehall sound, which does not sound like copycatism-clogged original ZimDancehall, radically differs from Bob Marley's likkle-but-wi-tallawah ReggaeDancehall sound of the Caribbean island of Jamaica.

The Reporters, in a thoroughly in-depth investigative journalistic drive that left no stone literally unturned, strenuously uncovered that the predictable innovators of this new sound [akin to bubblegum-chewing auditory jaw-waves] include the enviable likes of Killer T, Enzo Ishall, Freeman, Jah Signal, Chillspot Records, and Seh Calaz, but to a lesser, reasonable extent. They portend, but most importantly materialize, the much-vaunted evolution of ZimDancehall. 

This predictable coterie of evolutionary sonic innovators has integrated elements of Sungura, Jiti, Kanindo, Rhumba, hazy Pop, and other regional sounds such as the nascent Amapiano into their music (sonic scientists in Johannesburg and Bloemfontein confirmed when Amapiano is played non-stop the whole day, the eardrum and mental faculties of an individual become severely and dangerously irritated). This integration of distinct sounds happens as if the innovators, currently led by Killer T, want to spiritedly beat A-Level Math students solving Integration problems. 

(Which is painfully insignificant in the cosmos' grand scheme of things; as long as the sonic innovators led by Kelvin Kusikwenyu [Killer T's real name] deviate from the shackles of alleged Caribbean copycatism, ZimDancehall might be given another 7-year lease of life. A 99-year lease of life is highly unlikely because of unrestrained commercialization of mainstream ZimDancehall. The same disease that seems to afflict the genre's misunderstood sibling called Zim Hip Hop.)

Even the most iconic flag bearer and unrivalled luminary of ZimDancehall – Winky D; who, at some point during the genre's nostalgic peak, faced fiery competition from Ngwendeza aka Sauro; although they rightly and immediately made peace that was infused with profound mutual respect via a Deed of Settlement signed between Vigilance and Conquering – even Winky D has dropped monster hits that look and sound more at home on an 80s movie soundtrack than Jamaican Dancehall. All in spirited, innovative attempts to avoid allegations of Caribbean copycatism hindering organic ZimDancehall evolution. 

The consensus among arm-chair or non-musical intellectual academics and gatekeepers is that Winky D seems to be doing this ZimDancehall sound-change better than the others (read Killer T, especially). 

The Reporters have it on credible authority that reportedly, only musical intellectual academics, nay gatekeepers, such as University of Zimbabwe's Fred Zindi, are the remaining voice of reason; musical experts who actually stepped into the studio and made music and distributed it while upholding tremendous journalism, writing, lecturing, policy and institutional advocacy, and in-depth/contextual understanding of Zimbabwean music in its holistic entirety. 

In an odd but not entirely surprising case of lacking a pivot, the non-musical gatekeepers of the [pseudo-beloved yet much-maligned] genre have been utterly flabbergasted by the very evolution for which they clamoured.

They say the deviation from Caribbean copycatism, that has brought in this Kanindo-type evolution in ZimDancehall which they have been crying for since time immemorial, is strangulating their beloved genre.

With all these changes, it is safe to say ‘ZimDancehall is dead!” said one Editor of an unscrupulous popular music blog at the Emergency Digital and Social Meeting of the Arts & Entertainment and Media in Zimbabwe disseminated from Germany. As well as from Austria, Hungary, and Britain. 

When asked to clarify about their [the non-musical gatekeepers of the genre] earlier comments calling for an urgent evolution,  the Editor of the unscrupulous popular music blog hastily added, “We wanted it to change…but also not change at the same time. I don't know, does it make sense?

At press time, the displeased crowd in the Meeting was being pointed to the principled likes of Silent Killer, Blot, Dobba Don, Dadza D, Hwindi President, Kinnah, DJ Inno [Chino neChino], I-Ratty, Mobstar & Feego [Royal Dynasty Records], Fire King, Malon T, Oskid, Gzzy, Guspy Warrior, and Master H, whose sound has retained much of the earlier original essence of perceived real ZimDancehall.

The Reporters also discovered, with the highest degree of confidence, that unlike the above fickle sonic innovators earlier on mentioned herein, this coterie of perceived principled and real ZimDancehall chanters is facing unfounded claims and allegations of kupera, kusarira, and being one-or-two-three-hit-wonders. In the Global North, this slander exercise may be referred to as being cancelled.

Like Goldilocks displeased with the bear’s porridge at different temperatures, the non-musical cultural critics and faux intellectuals and other chanters & producers were up in arms again, declaring that their inability to evolve would be the death of their careers and ZimDancehall, yet the genre refuses to die; it will not succumb to nefarious provisional death sentences.

Our Chief Foreign Arts & Entertainment and Media correspondent, Shingai-Hama Paul Hunter (based in Berlin, Germany) for The Reporters, who was clearly befuddled by this debilitatingly vexing debacle, ended the Meeting (in which Qounfuzed quipped that the genre is not confused) by posing an incendiary yet amorphous inquiry to the so-called non-musical experts and gatekeepers. 

Which is it? Should the genre evolve with time, or stay the same? Like, if we’re to quote thee legendary Mungoshi, ‘walking still’ type of vibes?

To which they swiftly replied with a boldly emphatic and aptly amorphous “Yes!”


NOTA BENE [NB]: The Supreme Editor of Intertwined-Zimbabwe notes, with the highest reverence for tremendous journalistic standards and professional ethics (like those unwaveringly upheld by The Reporters), that the Editor of the unscrupulous popular music blog desires an in-depth face-to-face interview with Intertwined-Zimbabwe to clarify certain issues falling in the amorphous grey area.

June 01, 2022

Local Man Not Congratulated by Family and Friends After Buying Toyota Platz

 By Intertwined-Zimbabwe

NORTH END, BULAWAYO – In what was expected to be the biggest achievement of his not-so-rosy yet fiercely ambitious life, a local man in Bulawayo failed to please the entirety of his immediate and extended family plus his huge consortium of friends after he imported a brand new second-hand Toyota Platz from an advanced Far East country in Asia.

Image sourced from some random site selling brand new 2nd-hand cars which the Supreme Editor has since forgotten about [as in the random site].

Phakamile Njabulo, the Platz owner, was ecstatic after his friend Jamie Sithole brought the vehicle from a certain port into the City of Kings and Queens.

However, in a dark plot twist, the friend’s apparently dejected face signalled ominous gloom for  Phakamile's fierce ambitions for urban success and city recognition.

It got unbearably worse when he resignedly discovered his parents (particularly his father who spoke to the press), were “dismally dismayed and disheartened” with the “atrocity” that Phakamile brazenly committed.

“We’re having an incredibly hard time dealing with this ignominy. How can our only son fail us like this and bring shame to our family name? We sent him to the best private schools in the country and gave him a decent university education at Wits, only for him to turn on our backs like this by committing such a fucking atrocity? Surely a Corolla or Fit or even a Wish would have sufficed, you know? To say we are dismally dismayed and disheartened by this lack of gratitude to all the investments we made in him is a gross understatement.”

The mother also weighed in when the family spoke to the B-Metro at a press conference held at the Njabulos residence in North End.

“Phakamile has disappointed us. How can a son buy an ugly car like that? His three sisters are doing well here and in Jo'burg and Harare, they have classy BMWs and Mercs. Not ugly cars. I hope this is not the same trend he exhibits in his haphazard selection of girlfriends.”

The Reporters scurried for the Platz owner's word at press time. “Shit's difficult you scheme? I thought I had arrived. What’s the purpose of the car when your family thinks you bought a bicycle all the way from Japan? I don't know man.”

His consortium of friends, through their spokes-guy Jamie Sithole, said that although they were “extremely disappointed” with the Platz, it is still a whole goddamned car that demands petrol (or blend?) and that it makes their rounds in the city easier. Jamie's vice in the consortium of friends – a local man from Masvingo's Rujeko – said that “haaa, hazvina pressure izvo mdara. Kungodeepisawo uko.”

At the time of writing, The Reporters could not get a word from the Njabulo sisters, or from Phakamile's girlfriend; the latter who’s always at loggerheads with the mother over certain unspecified cultural issues.

The girlfriend is reportedly in hiding in Lupane at another lover's car park. It is speculated that she “can’t stand the Platz”.

Although Phakamile painstakingly explained the middle-class origins of the now-maligned sedan by the advanced Far East country in Asia, and that Platz is a German word meaning space, the disappointment from family and friends was too an enormous disease to cure.

20-Year-Old Avondale Woman Already Tweeting That Adulting Is A Scam Bruh

 By Intertwined-Zimbabwe

AVONDALE, HARARE – A local woman (20) from Harare's oldest suburb North 0f the imaginary line that still makes Machel turn in his grave was observed remarking about the problems of growing up on the micro-blogging site/bird app called Twitter.

twitter news zimbabwe urban youth harare satire
Image sourced from SlashGear

In a vicious, no-holds-barred onslaught of seriously successive tweets, Ruvimbo Gudyanga, who goes by the handle @BadBadRue_, opined in her thread that adulthood is a scam bruh and that growing up is certainly a diabolical phenomenon of a wretched existence. The Reporters confirmed the location of the tweets’ origins; “... from Avondale, Harare” as well as “Twitter for iPhone”.

“Adulting is a scam bruh.” She tweeted at 22.27. At 22.32 she went on, “If this is what growing up really looks like, then this life is diabolical.”

At 22.36 she continued, “Being an adult, worse still a woman in this patriarchal shit-show is the pits. As if we’re begging for simply existing. We can’t be independent and men think they’re entitled to our bodies. I can’t deal.”

At around 22.50, The Reporters could not firmly establish with rock-solid certainty that @BadBadRue_’s rants were part of a nascent philosophical and intellectual feminist empowering discourse. Or just a massive weight of sheer angst.

But what was interesting to note was how even the equally popular and hated Red Pill accounts considered toxic and vile (such as @ShadreckRobNight) concurred with the assertion that adulthood is a scam bruh.

At 23.01 @ShadreckRobNight (27) gave a non-controversial response, “Everything we were taught as kids is all wrong. It may be worse for you. But for men, too, much worse. It’s a whole scam.” To which Gudyanga replied at 23.05, “Indeed. We ought to do something. Can’t be suicidal futi. Why they ignore mental health nhai 😰😭😩”.

At 00.05 it was clear @BadBadRue_ had gone to sleep, presumably, as she had indicated how Netflix was tiring her that day. At press time, the first tweet in the thread, “Adulting is a scam bruh”, had a total of around 137 retweets and 334 likes, with 90 replies and 78 quoted retweets.

May 31, 2022

“But This Was Going to Be Our Year!”- ZIFA Fumes After ‘Illegally Unfair’ AFCON Qualification Suspension

 By Intertwined-Zimbabwe

ZIFA HOUSE, HARARE - Officials at the esteemed but severely troubled and out-of-sorts Zimbabwean Football Association (ZIFA) have come out raging against the recent decision by the omnipresent football governing body FIFA to suspend them from the 2023 African Cup of Nations (AFCON) Qualifiers over allegations of political interference.

zifa logo press conference zimbabwe football news afcon
Image sourced by The Reporters from the Herald's interwebs.

At the centre of the crazy discontent is the immutable, strongly-held belief by ZIFA (and the interfering government of course), that 2023 was undeniably the year they finally got it right at the AFCON.

The Warriors have qualified for the prestigious tournament (which always gives top European club coaches debilitating headaches) five times in the past, and have had a grossly underwhelming record across the board.

They ranked 14th, 13th, and 14th out of 16 in their first three attempts, and 21st and 17th out of 24 in the last two.

The team has developed a distinctly Zimbabwean phenomenon in which they lose the critical first two matches before – as if for what the streets call the classic and legendary ‘svoto’ or ‘chifinhu’ – and bow out with a totally useless and insignificant win in their third group game, just to save face.

This has led some fans calling for the third game to be played first next time. We digress.

The Reporters have it on impeccable authority that ZIFA president Felton Kamambo has led the charge against FIFA, accusing them of pulling a “Playa hater move” and always acting “illegally unfair” since time immemorial.  The Reporters understand that Kamambo exercised self-restraint of the highest order when he refused to liken FIFA’s “illegal unfairness” to the way America dishes so-called “illegal” sanctions willy-nilly across the world.

Youth, Sport, Art, and Recreation Minister Kirsty Coventry, unrelenting to the interference, came out to the podium wearing a “Why Always Us” Mario Balotelli inspired t-shirt, before explaining to The Reporters that “Yes, we know we haven’t done as well in the past. And our current crop is a far-cry from the days of Ndlovu, Grobelaar and, I wanna say, Okocha? Oh… that wasn’t one of our guys? See and that’s the problem. Anyway, we also recognize that the cream of this crop, like Knowledge and Khama, have retired. And yes, we have done nothing different this time. But I just knew it. We were going to win in 2023. It’s a shame, really.”

The Ministry of Information, Publicity, and Broadcasting Services permanent secretary Nick Mangwana argued that the sanctions against political interference were an assault on Zimbabwe’s hard-fought sovereignty. An insult to those who valiantly and selflessly died for the country in a spirited revolution.

He also agreed with the assertion that the Warriors would finally win in 2023. The belief appears to be rooted in the country’s well-adjusted grasp on reality and its capacities, which has led citizens and leaders alike to animatedly clamour loud and long about their highly untouchable, exceptional, and sacrosanct literacy rate; importance on the global political scene (the infamous arch-nemesis of the West); and all-round exceptionalism. 

The Reporters' efforts to get a word from the Sports and Recreation Commission (SRC) were in vain. 

May 25, 2022

Local 25-year-old Man Swears He Perfectly Hears All Young Thug Lyrics Without Help from Lyric App Genius

PALMERSTON, MUTARE – At a local music and media workshop among hood fiends held at a nearby jazzman’s base in the eastern city of Mutare in Zimbabwe, a 25-year-old man reportedly swore that he does not need the help of Genius in deciphering the lyrics of American hip-hop star Young Thug; arguing with his soul that he hears all Young Thug lyrics without any need whatsoever of searching for lyrics. 

Simbarashe Mahara from Palmerston in Mutare, who identifies himself as a life-long Young Thug fan with all the Slime rituals, scoffed at music novices who keep referring to lyrics from search engines on the Internet, saying they are faking in their purported love for YSL head honcho. The Reporters managed to get some insight from the Young Thug devotee, who swore with his life that Young Thug is not a mumble rapper. 
“See, if you’re a true fan of YSL, you don’t need Genius or any other silly lyric sites that Google shows you when it comes to hearing what Thugga says, error-free. Some of us know all Young Thug lyrics by head, from his earliest songs to the latest. Those who use Genius when listening to Young Thug are still joking. They make us appear stupid.”  
“I swear with my life, I hear all Young Thug lyrics pristinely. It’s a tad sad that some of these wannabe rappers tryna do some trap shit here in Zim have trash quality and their flows are just whack. Those who say Young Thug is a mumble rapper don’t know music at all. Those backings, Jesus! Now that’s music nigga!”  
Mahara would not listen to the objections of Fireman, his jazzman, going to such lengths as saying some of Fireman’s weed does not match that smoked by Young Thug.  
“Even this bush weed here is just whack, Young Thug doesn’t smoke this rubbish. I only come here ‘coz I ain’t got no other option. Palmerston kinda sucks with these plugs. But I don’t have time to go down the projects in Sakubva or Dvat for some quality shit. My bitch be complaining that I’m bringing her some trash weed. She schemes I’m shady or some other gwans like that. It’s just some fucked up shit man.” 
The Reporters confirmed that Mahara and his gang in the hood do not tolerate any Young Thug slander and are in the uncanny habit of only listening to Zimbabwean hip hop music that has “blown-up.”  
The Reporters also confirmed that indeed Simbarashe Mahara’s phone does not have the Genius app, though that of his close nigga Andrew Taisiireva has Genius, and Shazam, too.  
By the time the local music and media workshop at Fireman’s base ended, Mahara was still mesmerized by Young Thug’s line on Constantly Hating (ft. Birdman), “Nigga I’m a crack addict”, though he told The Reporters that he is scared of “hard drugs” given the meth pandemic that has taken Zimbabwe’s urban youths by storm, while parents are frantically attempting their own version of the ‘War on Drugs’. In Zimbabwe. 


May 24, 2022

Vainona Woman Asks for Two-Hour Leave At Work So That She Can Send Her Children To School

By Intertwined-Zimbabwe

HIGHLANDS, HARARE – A local woman in the capital was at loggerheads with an obstinate HR at her workplace after she requested a much-needed two-hour leave just to send her children to school. She fears her glorious motherhood years are going down the drain. 

Vainona Harare property

Image sourced from property.co.zw for the purposes of emphasizing Vainona-based young family

Marilyn Kutyauripo, a 36-year-old woman based in Vainona, Harare, asked for the leave at her workplace (We Floor It Tiles Pvt. Ltd in Highlands, Harare) after the principal at Busyday Kindergarten in Pomona, Harare had sent her a heavily worded 10-page letter bitterly complaining about the awful time management she subjects her two children (a 5-year-old daughter and 3-year-old son) to; as the two unsuspecting children are always late on each and every day that the Lord created on this earth. 

In her request for the leave addressed to the head of HR at We Floor It Tiles Pvt. Ltd in Highlands that The Reporters saw first-hand before Daily News, H-Metro, and Nehanda Radio got wind of it, Mrs. Kutyauripo was helplessly desperate.

I write this letter requesting a leave of two hours only, nothing more and nothing less, so that I can send my children to school as their head Mrs. Van der Ligt at Busyday has raised the issue of late-coming time and again and she will not have any of it anymore.

I request this leave so that I can send my two children Rudo-Loveness and Mark-Aiden Kutyauripo to school timeously so that they can learn their English alphabets in a time-conscious manner that will not affect their overall childhood development. I only wish the best for them and they deserve more.

I am only a young mother with a seriously busy academic husband at a reputable institution here in the capital - and I am only trying to get sense of workplace demands and family-raising in a manner that will not be injurious to the interests of all parties affected here.

Your co-operation here, in this regard, will go an extremely long way towards alleviating this labour malaise, so that my children benefit, while my productivity here at the gloriously prolific and lovely We Floor It Tiles Pvt. Ltd is undisturbed.

You will be eternally thanked. Just two hours.

Yours Sincerely,

Marilyn Kutyauripo (Accounting Officer).”


The head of Human Resources at We Floor It Tiles Pvt. Ltd Mr. Allen Green confirmed to The Reporters that Marilyn Kutyauripo, who indeed works as an Accounting Officer at their Highlands branch, had sent her request for leave at 06.00 in the morning.

“We received a request for leave from our Accounting Officer one Marilyn Kutyauripo at 06.00 in the morning via email. The printed version came a mere 30 minutes later. We recently gave her a 5-hour leave just two weeks ago. And now she demands another one. We told her on several, infinite occasions that Rudo-Loveness and Mark-Aiden can learn at pre-school centres either here in Highlands or Vainona, to which we would gladly and joyously avail an allowance for, and not in Pomona. But standards. You know these trendy modern urban women. We told her sending those kids to Pomona would be costly in production time and actual school fees.

Her eccentric husband from the Borrowdale Institute of Labour Relations, which is notorious for baseless claims against gainful employers like us yet we are all situated in North Samora, once stormed our offices here in Highlands with some unscrupulous labour lawyer from The Avenues demanding that if these leaves are not granted the matter will be taken to the Labour Court on Rotten Row. But we assured them that the situation is under control and strongly highlighted to them how litigation will leave them without money to send the very same children to Busyday Kindergarten. But we also said that litigious action against We Floor It Tiles Pvt. Ltd will result in management withdrawing the Honda Fit Hybrid we gave to Marilyn Kutyauripo so that she can do all her errands. We’ll see if we can grant the leave.” 

At the time of writing, The Reporters could not get any further comments from Mrs. Kutyauripo or Mr. Green on whether the leave had been granted; or whether Rudo-Loveness Kutyauripo and Mark-Aiden Kutyauripo had been ferried to school.


Meanwhile, Mr. Davison Kutyauripo (Professor at the Borrowdale Institute of Labour Relations) who happens to be the husband of the helplessly desperate Marilyn Kutyauripo, said to The Reporters that if We Floor It Tiles Pvt. Ltd continued with their “brazen woman-exploitation”, he would be left with no other option on this earth except to compel labour officers and designated officers to take action. Or take it up the Labour Court.


“This brazen woman-exploitation cannot continue unabated. The dearly-supreme Constitution and haphazard Labour Act and Criminal Code should make it a crystal-clear crime with heavy deterrent punishment if our beautiful and youthful women are now forced to choose between capitalism and their family obligations. Making women choose between capitalism and family is abominable.”

He continued, “Not even useless perks like a Honda Fit Hybrid will do any good if my wife can’t send our children early to school. Now every day that the Lord created we have to beg Mrs. Van der Ligt at Busyday not to terminate our children’s stay there. This is unacceptable.

Perhaps labour officers, designated agents, and that Labour Court are the only recourse. The Constitutional Court is not even out of reach at this stage. Mr. Green is stuck up in his comforts - he thinks I use my wife and her workplace as some sort of class struggle basis for the theses on alienation I'm furiously working on at the Borrowdale Institute of Labour Relations.” 

UZ Law Graduate Utterly Crushed After Finding Out That Real Life Law Practice Does Not Look Anything Like 'Suits' Or 'How To Get Away With Murder'

By Intertwined-Zimbabwe ALEX PARK, HARARE – A buoyant graduate from the University of Zimbabwe’s law school was utterly crushed beyond any r...