Is Winky D’s ‘One Big Party’ An Ode To ZANU PF? The Answer May Surprise You!

By Wena Crook 

Over the past decade and a half, Winky D has established himself as not only one of his generation’s most iconic artists, but as one of the most popular individuals in the country. Much of this has been rooted in his sociopolitical commentary, which has earned him the title, “Poor People’s Devotee.” 

Furthermore, the Gafa, has also made numerous references to Zimbabwean party politics; whether implied (Gafa Party, Gafa Chete Chete) or more explicit (Dzemudanga etc.)

Naturally, this affinity has led to speculation on whether the Jabhuna choirmaster will ever consider electoral politics. These rumors have made it back to our collective timelines with the recent release of the big man’s “Big Party” EP and, in particular, the lead single therefrom, One Big Party.

A deputy receptionist at the Ministry of Information has allegedly contacted the press (amply watering the grapevine) to declare that they have it on good authority that the song, released in the wake of Constitutional Amendment Bill No. 3, was secretly a manifesto for the party. 

“Think about it,” the sweaty underling said animatedly, “One big party? There is only one big party in this country! It was a matter of time before Winky D made his way home.”

So what do you think? Is the Ninja president pivoting?

No. Of course not. Don't be ridiculous.

“It’s Always ‘Go See Victor’ And Never ‘Go See How Victor is Doing!’” Nation’s Most Famous Runner Decries Neglect

By Wena Crook 

Bemoaning how Sir Wicknell Chivayo's now-famous instruction to beneficiaries to "Go See Victor!" had made him one of the most recognisable names in Zimbabwe while reducing him to little more than a glorified dispenser of car keys, Victor said he was tired of nobody asking how he was doing.

“Do you people even know what my totem is? What my surname is? Just once, it would be nice to hear ‘how have you been lately?’” he bemoaned as he hurriedly dug through drawers for three sets of Aqua keys for some Rhumba artists that recently performed at a rally in Kitsiyatota.

“Last time, one of the national team players, the one from the other blue team, was here to pick up his keys. I tried to tell him how I had scored a hat-trick at my church’s Family Sunday Play-Off, and he wasn’t even trying to hear me,” Victor lamented. 

He added: “The player said ‘Sorry, Vincent …Sir told me to just get the keys; I’ve got places to be.’ Vincent! Me? Unohwa seunotsva.”

At press time, Victor was flipping through the photo folder, showing our team of reporters pictures of the last time he was back at his rural home, before a phone call from his boss telling him that a Magician he had seen doing tricks at ZITF was on his way to pick up a car.

Waterfalls Residents Besiege Town House Demanding That Mayor And Town Clerk Show Them Exactly Where The Falls Are Located

By The Reporters

HARARE – Residents of Waterfalls suburb in Harare have come out guns blazing, as they laid a spirited siege at Town House demanding that the Mayor and Town Clerk, show them exactly where the falls are located, adding that they would not leave Town House until they were furnished with satisfactory answers. 

Jacob Mafume, the Mayor, and Warren Chiwawa, the Acting Town Clerk were clearly befuddled but assured residents that their pleas were not “falling on deaf ears”. 

For years, residents of Waterfalls have endured the painful realization of living in a suburb whose major attraction they have no clue about. Mary Govere (43) said that she has had enough. “I bought a stand here brimming with the excitement that at last I was living in an urban area adorned with natural wonders. I thought I was moving into a pristine area of the city, with breathtaking views of the falls. Yet up to now no one from the city council has shown us where the falls are, what a disappointment,” Govere barked while waving a placard that read, “SHOW US THE FALLS!” 

Some said that they have lived in the suburb since the days of colonialism and they are still baffled that both the colonial and black local governments have not cared to show them where the waterfalls are exactly located. “See, I purchased property in Waterfalls in 1976, we were among the few blacks getting into the much-coveted middle class then. We thought at that point that the white-run council would show us the falls, but they didn’t,” said Taurai Madiro (81). 

“We said okay, it’s not a problem, the dawn of independence presented a golden opportunity for the council to show us the falls. But can you imagine, 46 years later we still don’t know where the falls are. And we came into Waterfalls on the sole basis of wanting to see the falls. Our children, our grandchildren, they are disappointed in us I tell you,” added Madiro. 

Mayor Mafume said that although the city would do everything in its power to finally reveal the location of the falls, residents should be wary of wasting the council’s time as well as theirs, with Chiwawa telling the press, “Their pleas are not falling on deaf ears”. At press time, residents of Highlands had also begun demanding authorities explain the whereabouts of the highlands. 

Wife Lulu Really Surprised That Wicknell Chivayo Did Not Pass Out During All Night Fuckfest

By The Reporters 

HARARE – Much to the shock and surprise of Lucy ‘Lulu’ Muteke, Wicknell Chivayo maintained full and robust consciousness throughout a gruelling marital fuckfest that lasted for eight hours, in a major development that has also greatly baffled medical practitioners and fitness experts. It is reported that Wicknell would simply not back down, proving to all and sundry how capable he is of pulling off miracles like these.

Lulu could not believe her eyes witnessing the unrivalled stamina Wicknell possesses. Just before the fuckfest commenced at around 11PM (the time exactly planned by the gorgeous couple) Lulu had arranged for ambulances to be stationed at their palatial mansion. But as the night unfolded, it became abundantly clear that the need for ambulances and emergency response teams had been rendered futile.

“My lovely, all-caring husband and I wanted to do something entirely different for our blossoming marriage. We wanted to get a little adventurous, but at the same time still tethered to our core values of humility and togetherness. So we planned this marital marathon, or what the streets may call a fuckfest. To be honest with you, I was extremely nervous and worried over how this would turn out, but let me just say I got the shock of my life,” Lulu told The Reporters.

“Precautions are a necessary part of such a marital exercise, given the stature of my husband. Before we started, I ensured that an ambulance was there at our beautiful home, together with well-prepared emergency rescue teams. It soon turned out that I had gotten ahead of myself. My husband just kept going and going and going. The sheer virility he exhibited throughout the night just left me tongue-tied. Not once did he tire. I was amazed, honestly,” Lulu added.

Lulu said that by the time the fuckfest concluded at around 7AM, Wicknell was still in shape, ready to do more rounds. It was only due to Lulu’s inevitable fatigue that the fuckfest came to a conclusion. Medical experts, particularly those who were at the scene, were absolutely stunned by Wicknell’s shift, with some describing it as a “medical anomaly” – one that has left the Zimbabwean medical community scraping for answers.

“I don’t even know how to describe this,” Dr. Henry Kufauripo (one of the doctors stationed at the mansion) said. “Wicknell has left us in a state of unprecedented incredulity. And if I’m being straight with you, we are all a little envious of the great feat this man achieved. This is a miracle. A man of that size? You must be kidding me! We are still studying this phenomenon, and we are sure to give you comprehensive results,” Dr. Kufauripo stated.

Wicknell himself was ecstatic and, true to his fashion, boisterous. He credited his record-breaking display of virility to The Almighty God, The Heavenly Father, Creator & Ruler Of All Universes. “I will categorically make this clear: when it comes to sex, body size does not matter. It does not matter how fat your bank account is, or how many Maybachs and Rolls-Royces you drive. People forget that marriage is a HOLY UNION blessed by GOD THE ALMIGHTY. Therefore if you do not ask for STRENGTH from Him, you will perish. You will NOT PLEASE YOUR WIFE. It can only be God,” Wicknell said via email when pressed for a comment by The Reporters.

He added: “Wicknell does not faint. Passing out is for POOR PEOPLE. When you are blessed by the heavens, even your lungs operate in a different economy. I really love my wife, and for her, I will do anything.” At press time, Lulu was already engaged in talks with her husband to schedule another glorious fuckfest.

“We Honestly Thought They Were Nigerian, That's Why” – South Africa Explain Their Two Red Cards Against Mexico

By The Reporters 

Saying they were confused by their opponent’s green kit, Bafana Bafana apologized for their violent conduct against tournament co-hosts, Mexico, which resulted in them getting two red cards. They legitimately thought the team was Nigeria and decided to assail them viciously in that manner during the match.

Ronwen Williams, captain of the South African national football team, did not mince his words. “See, back on the continent, Nigeria is the team in green. And at home right now, it is okay, nay, encouraged to beat up on Nigerians!” Williams clamoured.

“We were told by the higher-ups at South African Football Association and Operation Dudula that whenever and wherever we find Africans away from home, we administer harm of the highest order. Unfortunately, our instincts kicked in; I guess you can say we saw red, well green, the moment we saw our opponents looking like a spinach garden.”

Sphephelo Sithole, one of the red-carded players, allegedly further emphasized that the mere sight of scorer Julian Quinones, who is darker-skinned than his teammates, had particularly triggered him.

“You know, with Afrophobic violence, we almost only target Black, Sub-Saharan looking individuals; so most of the lighter-skinned team would have been safe. But I saw this brother in the green shirt and thought ‘surely, That’s Oga over there’. I was wrong.”

Nigeria could not be reached for comment, as they are nowhere to be found at the World Cup.

“Oh, We Apologize For The Confusion. We Thought You Knew We Didn’t Care!” – Harare City Council Responds to Residents

By The Reporters

HARARE – Facing a barrage of criticism for the continued inhumane treatment of residents, the City of Harare councillors recently convened a meeting with various stakeholders, including vendors, residents, representatives from the Ladies of the Night collective, among others to specifically remind them of how mistaken they were in thinking that the council has ever cared for them. 

Stoneridge demolitions

Council members seemed flabbergasted by the hostilities that confronted them, as people of the city laid before them incident upon incident in which their actions had been a betrayal of the basic tenets of Ubuntu including demolishing full-built houses, unregulated clamping of cars, and unattended-to potholes.

In response, council spokeswoman Fadzai Mbiriyekuromba expressed surprise, saying, “The way these people are speaking - you would think they still believe we care! We have been trying to show them for decades now that we’re not here for them, it is frankly embarrassing that they still don’t get it.

“First it was the power cuts and water shutdowns: basics of civilization. Then the potholes, yuck - we just left them. Don’t even get me started on the vendors! Nhai imi, must we physically attack them for them to understand and stop bothering us? 

“We literally watch you pour your life savings into building homes with hammers behind our backs. There is no difference between you and the neighborhood rats which, by the way, stop texting us about trash collection.”

At press time, council members were seen chuckling, chikwee style, upon witnessing a clamp placed on the car of a young expectant father who had run into the pharmacy to pick up some medicine for his wife.

Mnangagwa Insists Constitutional Amendment Bill No. 3 Was Just A Joke Blown Out Of Proportion

By The Reporters

HARARE – President Emmerson Mnangagwa has revealed that Constitutional Amendment Bill No. 3 (CAB3) was just a little joke taken too far by his party members, insisting that he never meant it to be taken too seriously. 

Mnangagwa said that during a politburo meeting at the party headquarters in 2024, he made a joke about amending the Constitution so that he could stay a little bit longer in power. He was absolutely surprised to see the party's inner circle get all too serious with it, he intimated to The Reporters. 

"You know, I was a tad tipsy on whisky, and I made this joke about my staying in power for a little bit longer, you know. It was just made in the spirit of comradeship. Little did I know that we would get here, with the party's machinery imposing this on the great people of Zimbabwe," he said to The Reporters. 

"I thought it was just something my comrades would easily brush over as one of those ED jokes, me being funny and all. But they decided to give me the chance, and I have to say, who am I to refuse an extra two years? I've come to realize it aligns perfectly with the ethos of the revolution," Mnangagwa said. 

Ziyambi Ziyambi, the Justice, Parliamentary, and Legal Affairs minister who is spearheading the drastic legal change in Parliament, remarked that it was in the "best interests" of both the President and the country that the bill comes to life. 

"People say a whole lot of things about ZANU-PF, most of which is nonsense really. Although His Excellency was joking, as the party of the people, we thought it very wise to do this in the best interests of both the President and Zimbabwe. It is for the good of everyone. You know, we should not let some jokes slide. If something benefits everyone, why sleep on it?" 

Ziyambi dismissed sentiments that CAB3 is a foregone conclusion, insisting that there will be "rigorous" debate in Parliament and that legislators could either adopt or discard the bill. The bill has since been presented before Parliament. 

Efforts to get comments from George Charamba, the Deputy Chief Secretary to the President and Cabinet (Presidential Communications), were fruitless at the time of going to press. 

Man Books Appointment With Therapist Despite Being 100% Sure Of The Shitty Decisions He’s Going To Make Soon After

By The Reporters 

NEWLANDS, Harare - Area man Mike Tarumbwa (35) booked an appointment with a therapist in the capital despite being fully certain that he was going to engage in an exercise of disregarding everything that the therapist says to him and continue on his irredeemable path of incessant shitty decisions that have become such a huge marker of his existence ever since adulthood commenced.

Tarumbwa felt the overwhelming urge to put his life in order, compelling him to take the bold decision of booking an appointment with Feel Good Mental Health Services in Newlands, Harare. “Given how everything in my life has been going off script, I just thought it wise to book an appointment with a therapist, you know, get shit off my chest and all that. It’s a bold move, I have to say, and I’m scared as fuck. But we ball regardless,” Tarumbwa intimated to The Reporters just after five minutes of completing the scheduling of the appointment with the receptionist, whom he said was an “adorable hun”.

“You know, sometimes you have to make the uncomfortable decisions. I have always been doing shitty things in my life and I wonder what the cause could be. Maybe it’s the childhood trauma, maybe it’s my wife and our two bloody children, maybe it was the high school bullying. I don’t know. All I know is that the adrenaline and the high I get from making shitty decisions is simply comparable to none,” Tarumbwa continued.

Although he was proud of booking an appointment with Dr. Amy Sanders, one the finest therapists in the capital, Tarumbwa admitted that after the therapy session concludes, he will continue with making shitty decisions.

“Let’s see how this therapy thingy goes. My family – especially my older brother and big sis – have put me in a corner. This whole therapy thing was their idea. I can’t help myself though, I am so sure, hell, 100% sure, that I am going to make shitty, infuriating decisions after the therapy concludes. Dr. Sanders could despise me for it. She is a professional. My family though; those goddamned pricks could even disown me!” He said that regardless of the negativity spurred by his family, he will not stop making shitty decisions.

Dr. Sanders told Tarumbwa in a brief consultation, “You already know what you want to do, Mike.” Mr. Tarumbwa insisted the US$400-per-session appointment had to continue nonetheless. “It’s pretty much convenient to erase the guilt and shame of my own poor mental health actions through therapy,” he bellowed. Despite placing enormous and unwavering faith in liberal economics with his very own life ever since he started shitting solids, he often doesn’t know why he feels like shit every day, making shitty decisions in the process, he revealed to The Reporters.

Local man asked by barber in Harare CBD if he wants a haircut moments after he had just got a new haircut

By The Reporters 

HARARE – Much to his indescribable frustration, local resident Tatenda Matemera (24) was utterly flummoxed after a barber in Harare’s Central Business District (CBD) asked him whether or not he wanted a haircut minutes after he had just got a new haircut from another barber just a few streets away. Matemera, who lives in Houghton Park, told The Reporters that his first instinct upon hearing the question “Togera here?” was to throw a “big punch” to the barber. “I was just walking down Cameron Street, minding my business and feeling extremely victorious in this fresh cut, when all of a sudden I heard a barber asking me that stupid, silly question. To be honest, all I could think of was giving him a big punch right into his face. That would surely put him in his place. Because can’t you see I just got a new haircut here? Like, what the actual fuck?” 

He said the new haircut, which had just resurrected some much-needed points for him, was such a glorious crowning moment that being asked whether or not he wanted the haircut felt disrespectful. Matemera, who got his new haircut in a relatively pristine barbershop housed in the majestic Joina City, added that he knew he was likely going to be asked that “dreadful”question by walking along Cameron Street. “I kinda knew that this dreadful question was to be asked. It was a bit obvious because you know, that’s how it goes. There’s a ragtag bunch of barbers there. It's one of those things you can't avoid in town. But I was optimistic that it would be evident I just got a dope cut from Kingz Cuts at Joina. That stubborn faith terribly let me down.” Bystanders at the scene told The Reporters that Matemera opted not to respond to the question, instead, coming resolutely to the decision that it was better to cuss him silently. Efforts by The Reporters to get a comment from Ronald Kufahakurambwi (33), the barber who asked the question, were in vain as he was already asking another man whether or not he wanted a haircut.

JUST A GIRL

The frigid winter mornings were always hard on Natasha. Not only did she have to brave the elements and help out with the chores around the house; but she also had to deal with the duties of being a deputy parent to her mischievous and often insufferable little and cousin bother. This particular morning strained her psyche for different reasons. The texture of the air was chilling, anxiety swirled with the cold winter air. The mood could have induced grand hysteria in even the dullest oracle.

“Natasha, hurry up you are going to miss the bus”, screamed her mother.

A cloud of mist suddenly enveloped the air outside as soon as she left the house, almost as if Natasha’s uneasiness was augmenting the weather itself. She was now ready to embark on her journey of self-discovery and personal growth. 

“I am right behind you Mama, why are you always like this?” replied Natasha in a hush tone as she lugged her suitcase out of the hut.

Natasha although possessing a modest build was just a girl. House tasks and the odd errand to the growth point or the watering hole gave her a semblance of strength, but the 16-year-old could hardly manage the luggage that her mother had given her to carry her belongings on her trip.

“How am I supposed to calm down when my precious Natasha is on her way to the big city for school? How am I supposed to survive without my brilliant daughter?”, pleaded her mother as she spotted Natasha’s bag on to the top of her head.

Natasha usually could not handle her mother’s overbearing nature, but she summoned strength from the very depths of her soul to refrain from taking her words literally and retreating into the house. It could have been the frigid morning air in Gweru, the uncertainty of not knowing whether or not the bus she was supposed to board had arrived at her station or the anxiousness of a village teenager setting off from her rural home in the reserves; embarking on a journey on roads less travelled that would warrant Natasha this level of vulnerability.

Natasha walked besides her mother, making casual conversation on their way to the bus stop until they reached their destination; trying her best to ease her mind from how much her life was about to change—stewing on how she was going to fare at Harare Polytech College and how much her lifestyle was going to change. As the prospects of leaving home started to become clearer the bus stop sign emerged from the mist.

“Natasha I am going to return home now, Dumisani and Farai will wake up soon and if I do not wake those boys up, they will wake up at noon,” proclaimed her mother as she helped Natasha bring down her often hand luggage at the bus stop.  

“Those silly boys are going to be late for school anyway, they will be fine mother,” insisted Natasha as she fixed her hair and straightened her floral dress with her hands.

“You might be right, but I have to leave you to board your bus now. Don’t forget to take care of yourself and greet your brother for me,” said her mother as she hugged and kissed her goodbye.

Natasha’s mother left her at the bus stop and disappeared into the dissipating mist, leaving her in a melancholy silence anguishing on her mother’s departure and contemplating when they would enjoy her company again. Then at the corner of her eye she saw Mrs. Makoni push her wheelbarrow full of treats towards the bus stop.

As she observed the vendor, she had known all of her life roll into station she thought, “I wonder if Mai Makoni has any Lemony Creamy Biscuits.”, as the mist continued to roll back.

~Fin~

Thanks for reading drop a like and a comment and gear up for the next instalment.

-M.C Bvuma

An Encounter

Cruising down this boulevard is so surreal. The streets are clean, the roads devoid of blemishes, and the jacaranda flowers are cascading in an erratic yet persistent succession along the walkways from the trees. I understand why the Northerners are reluctant to leave this beautiful country. 

The traffic on my way to work is nominal, tranquil bordering on monotonous, yet the busy young pedestrians walking briskly to avoid getting stick from their bosses for clocking in late always catches my eye. Especially the younger ladies whom I have unknowingly conditioned myself to spot, “maybe my aunt is getting to me,” as they rush to the solitary vendor on Wellness Boulevard who had indicated to me on one of our rare interactions of their peculiar affinity to Lemony Creamy biscuits.

I have grown fond of my lifestyle and the amenities that come to it including my red minty 1987 Nissan 620 single cab, cozy yet compact 1-bedroom company flat and fair wage but there have been rumors that my company is looking to open a new branch in one of the cities satellite settlements recently renamed Chitungwiza. I have been a junior sales associate at Cleverly Builders Association for a couple of years and I am hoping that I get a managerial position. Imagine, little Tanunurwa from Bocha, a manager at one of the biggest insurance brokers in the country at 23; my eyes shimmer with excitement. The future that lies ahead entices me. A bigger salary, company car, loan facilities, company house … I think you get it. 

I reached the office, waved the guards, proceeded to my associate parking spot and hopped out of my bakkie (Single Cab). Rounding up my morning routine by checking my outfit in the glass mirror at the office. Today I was looking dapper in my tweed suit and presidential brogues, a rhinoceros wouldn’t be able to halt my charge.

The end of the workday beckoned the exodus of Tanunurwa from the busy offices of Cleverly Builders Society. I strolled out of the building dejected; starved of the promotion I had been praying for which initiated a dilemma in my brain, putting it through a ringer, “ancestors, have they forsaken me,” I debated in my head as I climbed into my bakkie and drove out of my spot. I waved the security guard on my way out and continued to contemplate plotting my prospects. “I should visit Rupert and follow up on his proposal since this Cleverly gig is not progressing the way I want it to. I might as well take that risk you’ll never know in this life,” rang the voice in my head as I turned into Wellness Boulevard, when my stomach let out a vicarious growl prompting me to pull over to the side of the road to procure a bag of crisps and Gush, my favorite tropical dairy drink.  

As I made my way to the local vendor I felt the presence of the most beautiful woman in the world right behind me. I never thought I would be the man to be at a loss for words but her round face, smooth brown skin and gentle smile had taken my breath away and unfortunately for me she seemed to have taken noticed. So in the spur of the moment I made an abrupt motion I turned to her and said in a muffled panic with a subtle smile, “Hi I’m Tanunurwa would you mind if I bought you some Lemon Creamys?”

~ End ~

Thanks for reading, and gear up for the next instalment that is coming next.

-M.C Bvuma

Zimbabwe’s Department of Public Inconvenience Assures Citizens of More Inconveniences, And There Won’t Be Any Sincere Regrets

By The Reporters

HARARE – True to its revolutionary and unwavering fashion, Zimbabwe’s Department of Public Inconvenience (DOPI), which is under the purview of Ministry of Home Affairs, gave rock-solid assurances to the country’s patriotic and unpatriotic citizens that a lot more exasperating public inconveniences will be the order of the day as we joyously enter in 2024—and that DOPI will not convey any sincere regrets for the inconveniences caused since it is assiduously working round the clock to beat the Second Republic’s deadline of Vision 2030 for a middle-income economy. 

In a hastily arranged press conference at the imposing Public Affairs Building on New Year’s Eve, the Head Chairperson of DOPI Cde Tasimba Mashayamombe said that public inconveniences remain the sole definitive feature in the country to distinguish, beyond any reasonable doubt, patriotic and unpatriotic citizens; with a stern warning that hotspots such as passport offices will multiply the inconveniences a hundred times. 

“The problem we are facing in this country, and which must be addressed with pressing alacrity, is that of born-frees and a motley of other counter-revolutionaries hell bent on tarnishing the image of Zimbabwe and most importantly, the image of the glorious Second Republic. It has come to our attention that any little inconvenience experienced allegedly at the behest of Home Affairs and DOPI, then a person rushes to X and Facebook and starts calling for the West to bomb this great rising country of Zimbabwe, a towering beacon of hope for everyone to see,” Mashayamombe said. 

He further stated that those who endure the public inconveniences without registering any complaints are the truest and most patriotic citizens of the country, as they perfectly understand the history of Zimbabwe and the current works of the Second Republic to change Zimbabwe. “These spoilt kids, do they know that under Smith’s Rhodesia we did not even have all these luxuries. We go to war, spill our precious blood for you, and actually die for you only to complain of trivial issues saying the economy is not working—an economy we won through war. We commend those who have gone through the inconveniences silently, we will handsomely rewards them in the near future.” An effort to confirm this development by Intertwined’s The Reporters from Home Affairs Minister at the time of printing was fruitless, as it surfaced that he is on holiday in Dubai, UAE.

God Says “He Is Not In It” As He Issues Statement Refusing To Come Down From Heaven To Help Nelson Chamisa

By The Reporters

HEAVEN, THE COSMOS—Expressing bouts of exasperation over the insufferable futility of repeatedly attempting to intervene in the domestic, sovereign affairs of Zimbabwe, God The Almighty, The Heavenly Father, Creator & Ruler Of All The Universes, issued out a press statement exclusively seen by The Reporters from His Holy Throne stating that “He Is Not In It”, and that from now on he will block any requests from Nelson Chamisa and Citizens Coalition for Change (CCC) to use His name in solving their political mess. 

“It has come to My attention that Nelson Chamisa is still using the old, tired mantra ‘God is in it’ as his slogan despite several warnings issued against him notifying him that I am tired and frustrated of being used in his personal and political shit. Let it known in All The Universes, Heaven and earth, that from now on I will not answer any request or prayer claiming that I Am In It—on the contrary, I Am Not In It. From now on I will not meddle in the sovereign affairs of Zimbabwe, and I distance myself from all those yellow-infested heretics and counter-revolutionaries. I will not come down from Heaven for that nonsense,” God bellowed as all the Angels trembled at His tantrums. 

Nelson Chamisa’s comments that if SADC refuses to help the CCC yellow-adorned party leader in seizing power from Zimbabwe’s principal troublemaker Emmerson Dambudzo Mnangagwa then God will step in to help have been dismissed by God Himself as “utterly ludicrous, ill-conceived”, adding that this time He won’t be in Chamisa’s corner. 

“I discussed this issue with My Son Jesus Christ yesterday in our closed-door meeting in a far-away galaxy, away from the glare of the Holy Throne. My Boy Jesus here intimated to Me that given Chamisa’s helpless cluelessness, it is imprudent for the Heaven brand to be associated with such stupidity and hollow-sounding ‘God is in it’ chants and tweets. Or posts. Whatever you call them on that wretched planet.

“We unanimously agreed that besides all this shitty drama, the colour yellow disgusts us and tarnished our image, and we strongly hate those little pulpits he uses when addressing the masses of the Sheep. We will let SADC do want it wants. Remember even though as Heaven we refused to stand with them during their irksome liberation struggles, they continued to worship us anyway when they got their independence. It has been a hard decision to make. But it must be done. It reminds me that time we forsook the whole of this humanity and saved Noah plus a bunch of animals. Who knows what may happen this time? Do they really want us to climb down from Heaven for this BS?”

At the time of going press, it was incredibly difficult to reach Nelson Chamisa or Promise Mkwananzi for a comment. The Reporters verified credible information from insider sources that Chamisa was deliberating on what next to say since God The Almighty refused to be associated with him. God called on the Angels to withdraw any form of Divine Protection that Chamisa and CCC were enjoying, leaving the yellow party in an extremely precarious position; left only with Bible Verses that lack legitimacy amidst political uncertainty.