ALEX PARK, HARARE – A buoyant graduate from the University of Zimbabwe’s law school was utterly crushed beyond any reasonable doubt upon his first week at a burgeoning law firm in Harare. His expectations of what the legal practice entails varied radically with what he spent digesting on TV during his law school years.
Tinotenda Machiridza, the 24-year-old graduate who recently graduated from the country’s relic of an institution remarked that he expected to be doing what Harvey Spector and Annalise Keating did in the legal TV dramas Suits and How to Get Away with Murder – oblivious to the fact that these are merely fictitious characters in screen productions from the United States of fucking America.
“I thought my first week here at McFodden and Mangwere Law Chambers would catapult me to the levels of a super lawyer as they do in Suits and How To Get Away With Murder. I was expecting that week in week out I would be crushing opponents ruthlessly and cleverly both in court and with out-of-court settlements. My averment here is that this is truly and by all accounts a phenomenally monumental disaster. This is how they do law in Zimbabwe? What a fuckery!”
At the time of going to press, Machiridza, who now practices at McFodden and Mangwere Law Chambers in Alexandra Park, intimated to The Reporters how he hates the “atmosphere” at the courts in the capital.
“How will I be able to do what Harvey does at this shite Magistrates Court where the atmosphere is like we are begging the Judicial Service Commission to practice law? Huh? I am a clever young man. I deserve better. The High Court feels like a gladiator's pit. No glamour there. And why didn’t anyone tell me that on top of a shite registration process to be a legal practitioner, I would be dealing with sub-standard pleadings all day and just waiting for postponements at the Magistrates? This is catastrophic. My soul is crushed.”
The Reporters confirmed that the crushed UZ law graduate vowed to bring better standards among the country’s lawyers and judges so as to reflect what is done in Suits and How to Get Away with Murder.
However, one of the senior partners at his workplace, Donny McFodden, recommended that he better watch Better Call Saul for a true representation of what lawyering is like in the United States of fucking America. Perhaps even in Zimbabwe, too.