October 14, 2022

Local Man Seriously Depressed After Fresh Pair Of Socks Suddenly Decides To Go Missing In The House

By The Reporters; Intertwined-Zimbabwe 

GWERU, ZIMBABWE — Worrying reports coming in from Athlone in Gweru, Zimbabwe suggest that a local man has fallen into a serious episode of massive, life-threatening depression after his fresh pair of socks suddenly decided to conspire against him by going missing right inside his very own room. 


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Tanaka Mafero (26), who has just been introduced to the rough and unkind vagaries of life's insane vicissitudes, lamented how at exactly 8.50 am, just as he was preparing to go to Windsor Park to see his girlfriend Makaita Moyo (22), he realized his fresh pair of socks he bought last week suddenly went missing. He had scheduled to meet her at 9.00 am, and in the midst of all the chaos, just as he had finished wearing his loyal pair of blue ripped jeans after applying the body lotion and body spray, he realized the first sock was missing. 

Livid with frustration, he realized the other sock was missing exactly five minutes later. Makaita, afraid of yet another usual routine experience of "toxic niggas", kept buzzing the 26-year-old's iPhone 13 Pro Max till it couldn't take it any longer. 

The self-proclaimed city 'hustler' could only muster a few words in narrating his rather tragic ordeal to The Reporters.

"I bought a fresh pair of cool socks last week, you know, and just like the previous 3 pairs, it just suddenly goes missing. Totally ruining my day. Haa iskiri rechimero pazvinhu zvacho because mwana ndakamumisa gaya. It always starts with one sock going missing...I need a break from all this, my parents now afraid I'm having self-harm thoughts. Fucking socks. Dzokono boiz, washen [laundry] haiko."

At press time, The Reporters confirmed that Tanaka Mafero had resorted to his regular anti-depressants, which are reportedly kept in his mother's car (the same car he wanted to use to see Makaita)—but failed to get any comment from Makaita or the local man's parents. 

It has since emerged that the country's men are regularly being hit by crippling anxiety and depression whenever their pairs of socks start missing. 

The Ministry of Home Affairs has since launched a commission of inquiry to understand the phenomenon; though there are grave concerns that the President may not release the findings to the public in fearing that the masses will know that even the President's socks regularly and suddenly go missing.

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