Man Books Appointment With Therapist Despite Being 100% Sure Of The Shitty Decisions He’s Going To Make Soon After

By The Reporters 

NEWLANDS, Harare - Area man Mike Tarumbwa (35) booked an appointment with a therapist in the capital despite being fully certain that he was going to engage in an exercise of disregarding everything that the therapist says to him and continue on his irredeemable path of incessant shitty decisions that have become such a huge marker of his existence ever since adulthood commenced.

Tarumbwa felt the overwhelming urge to put his life in order, compelling him to take the bold decision of booking an appointment with Feel Good Mental Health Services in Newlands, Harare. “Given how everything in my life has been going off script, I just thought it wise to book an appointment with a therapist, you know, get shit off my chest and all that. It’s a bold move, I have to say, and I’m scared as fuck. But we ball regardless,” Tarumbwa intimated to The Reporters just after five minutes of completing the scheduling of the appointment with the receptionist, whom he said was an “adorable hun”.

“You know, sometimes you have to make the uncomfortable decisions. I have always been doing shitty things in my life and I wonder what the cause could be. Maybe it’s the childhood trauma, maybe it’s my wife and our two bloody children, maybe it was the high school bullying. I don’t know. All I know is that the adrenaline and the high I get from making shitty decisions is simply comparable to none,” Tarumbwa continued.

Although he was proud of booking an appointment with Dr. Amy Sanders, one the finest therapists in the capital, Tarumbwa admitted that after the therapy session concludes, he will continue with making shitty decisions.

“Let’s see how this therapy thingy goes. My family – especially my older brother and big sis – have put me in a corner. This whole therapy thing was their idea. I can’t help myself though, I am so sure, hell, 100% sure, that I am going to make shitty, infuriating decisions after the therapy concludes. Dr. Sanders could despise me for it. She is a professional. My family though; those goddamned pricks could even disown me!” He said that regardless of the negativity spurred by his family, he will not stop making shitty decisions.

Dr. Sanders told Tarumbwa in a brief consultation, “You already know what you want to do, Mike.” Mr. Tarumbwa insisted the US$400-per-session appointment had to continue nonetheless. “It’s pretty much convenient to erase the guilt and shame of my own poor mental health actions through therapy,” he bellowed. Despite placing enormous and unwavering faith in liberal economics with his very own life ever since he started shitting solids, he often doesn’t know why he feels like shit every day, making shitty decisions in the process, he revealed to The Reporters.

Local man asked by barber in Harare CBD if he wants a haircut moments after he had just got a new haircut

By The Reporters 

HARARE – Much to his indescribable frustration, local resident Tatenda Matemera (24) was utterly flummoxed after a barber in Harare’s Central Business District (CBD) asked him whether or not he wanted a haircut minutes after he had just got a new haircut from another barber just a few streets away. Matemera, who lives in Houghton Park, told The Reporters that his first instinct upon hearing the question “Togera here?” was to throw a “big punch” to the barber. “I was just walking down Cameron Street, minding my business and feeling extremely victorious in this fresh cut, when all of a sudden I heard a barber asking me that stupid, silly question. To be honest, all I could think of was giving him a big punch right into his face. That would surely put him in his place. Because can’t you see I just got a new haircut here? Like, what the actual fuck?” 

He said the new haircut, which had just resurrected some much-needed points for him, was such a glorious crowning moment that being asked whether or not he wanted the haircut felt disrespectful. Matemera, who got his new haircut in a relatively pristine barbershop housed in the majestic Joina City, added that he knew he was likely going to be asked that “dreadful”question by walking along Cameron Street. “I kinda knew that this dreadful question was to be asked. It was a bit obvious because you know, that’s how it goes. There’s a ragtag bunch of barbers there. It's one of those things you can't avoid in town. But I was optimistic that it would be evident I just got a dope cut from Kingz Cuts at Joina. That stubborn faith terribly let me down.” Bystanders at the scene told The Reporters that Matemera opted not to respond to the question, instead, coming resolutely to the decision that it was better to cuss him silently. Efforts by The Reporters to get a comment from Ronald Kufahakurambwi (33), the barber who asked the question, were in vain as he was already asking another man whether or not he wanted a haircut.