Local Man Not Congratulated by Family and Friends After Buying Toyota Platz

 By Intertwined-Zimbabwe

NORTH END, BULAWAYO – In what was expected to be the biggest achievement of his not-so-rosy yet fiercely ambitious life, a local man in Bulawayo failed to please the entirety of his immediate and extended family plus his huge consortium of friends after he imported a brand new second-hand Toyota Platz from an advanced Far East country in Asia.

Image sourced from some random site selling brand new 2nd-hand cars which the Supreme Editor has since forgotten about [as in the random site].

Phakamile Njabulo, the Platz owner, was ecstatic after his friend Jamie Sithole brought the vehicle from a certain port into the City of Kings and Queens.

However, in a dark plot twist, the friend’s apparently dejected face signalled ominous gloom for  Phakamile's fierce ambitions for urban success and city recognition.

It got unbearably worse when he resignedly discovered his parents (particularly his father who spoke to the press), were “dismally dismayed and disheartened” with the “atrocity” that Phakamile brazenly committed.

“We’re having an incredibly hard time dealing with this ignominy. How can our only son fail us like this and bring shame to our family name? We sent him to the best private schools in the country and gave him a decent university education at Wits, only for him to turn on our backs like this by committing such a fucking atrocity? Surely a Corolla or Fit or even a Wish would have sufficed, you know? To say we are dismally dismayed and disheartened by this lack of gratitude to all the investments we made in him is a gross understatement.”

The mother also weighed in when the family spoke to the B-Metro at a press conference held at the Njabulos residence in North End.

“Phakamile has disappointed us. How can a son buy an ugly car like that? His three sisters are doing well here and in Jo'burg and Harare, they have classy BMWs and Mercs. Not ugly cars. I hope this is not the same trend he exhibits in his haphazard selection of girlfriends.”

The Reporters scurried for the Platz owner's word at press time. “Shit's difficult you scheme? I thought I had arrived. What’s the purpose of the car when your family thinks you bought a bicycle all the way from Japan? I don't know man.”

His consortium of friends, through their spokes-guy Jamie Sithole, said that although they were “extremely disappointed” with the Platz, it is still a whole goddamned car that demands petrol (or blend?) and that it makes their rounds in the city easier. Jamie's vice in the consortium of friends – a local man from Masvingo's Rujeko – said that “haaa, hazvina pressure izvo mdara. Kungodeepisawo uko.”

At the time of writing, The Reporters could not get a word from the Njabulo sisters, or from Phakamile's girlfriend; the latter who’s always at loggerheads with the mother over certain unspecified cultural issues.

The girlfriend is reportedly in hiding in Lupane at another lover's car park. It is speculated that she “can’t stand the Platz”.

Although Phakamile painstakingly explained the middle-class origins of the now-maligned sedan by the advanced Far East country in Asia, and that Platz is a German word meaning space, the disappointment from family and friends was too an enormous disease to cure.

20-Year-Old Avondale Woman Already Tweeting That Adulting Is A Scam Bruh

 By Intertwined-Zimbabwe

AVONDALE, HARARE – A local woman (20) from Harare's oldest suburb North 0f the imaginary line that still makes Machel turn in his grave was observed remarking about the problems of growing up on the micro-blogging site/bird app called Twitter.

Image sourced from SlashGear

In a vicious, no-holds-barred onslaught of seriously successive tweets, Ruvimbo Gudyanga, who goes by the handle @BadBadRue_, opined in her thread that adulthood is a scam bruh and that growing up is certainly a diabolical phenomenon of a wretched existence. The Reporters confirmed the location of the tweets’ origins; “... from Avondale, Harare” as well as “Twitter for iPhone”.

“Adulting is a scam bruh.” She tweeted at 22.27. At 22.32 she went on, “If this is what growing up really looks like, then this life is diabolical.”

At 22.36 she continued, “Being an adult, worse still a woman in this patriarchal shit-show is the pits. As if we’re begging for simply existing. We can’t be independent and men think they’re entitled to our bodies. I can’t deal.”

At around 22.50, The Reporters could not firmly establish with rock-solid certainty that @BadBadRue_’s rants were part of a nascent philosophical and intellectual feminist empowering discourse. Or just a massive weight of sheer angst.

But what was interesting to note was how even the equally popular and hated Red Pill accounts considered toxic and vile (such as @ShadreckRobNight) concurred with the assertion that adulthood is a scam bruh.

At 23.01 @ShadreckRobNight (27) gave a non-controversial response, “Everything we were taught as kids is all wrong. It may be worse for you. But for men, too, much worse. It’s a whole scam.” To which Gudyanga replied at 23.05, “Indeed. We ought to do something. Can’t be suicidal futi. Why they ignore mental health nhai 😰😭😩”.

At 00.05 it was clear @BadBadRue_ had gone to sleep, presumably, as she had indicated how Netflix was tiring her that day. At press time, the first tweet in the thread, “Adulting is a scam bruh”, had a total of around 137 retweets and 334 likes, with 90 replies and 78 quoted retweets.

“But This Was Going to Be Our Year!”- ZIFA Fumes After ‘Illegally Unfair’ AFCON Qualification Suspension

 By Intertwined-Zimbabwe

ZIFA HOUSE, HARARE - Officials at the esteemed but severely troubled and out-of-sorts Zimbabwean Football Association (ZIFA) have come out raging against the recent decision by the omnipresent football governing body FIFA to suspend them from the 2023 African Cup of Nations (AFCON) Qualifiers over allegations of political interference.

Image sourced by The Reporters from the Herald's interwebs.

At the centre of the crazy discontent is the immutable, strongly-held belief by ZIFA (and the interfering government of course), that 2023 was undeniably the year they finally got it right at the AFCON.

The Warriors have qualified for the prestigious tournament (which always gives top European club coaches debilitating headaches) five times in the past, and have had a grossly underwhelming record across the board.

They ranked 14th, 13th, and 14th out of 16 in their first three attempts, and 21st and 17th out of 24 in the last two.

The team has developed a distinctly Zimbabwean phenomenon in which they lose the critical first two matches before – as if for what the streets call the classic and legendary ‘svoto’ or ‘chifinhu’ – and bow out with a totally useless and insignificant win in their third group game, just to save face.

This has led some fans calling for the third game to be played first next time. We digress.

The Reporters have it on impeccable authority that ZIFA president Felton Kamambo has led the charge against FIFA, accusing them of pulling a “Playa hater move” and always acting “illegally unfair” since time immemorial.  The Reporters understand that Kamambo exercised self-restraint of the highest order when he refused to liken FIFA’s “illegal unfairness” to the way America dishes so-called “illegal” sanctions willy-nilly across the world.

Youth, Sport, Art, and Recreation Minister Kirsty Coventry, unrelenting to the interference, came out to the podium wearing a “Why Always Us” Mario Balotelli inspired t-shirt, before explaining to The Reporters that “Yes, we know we haven’t done as well in the past. And our current crop is a far-cry from the days of Ndlovu, Grobelaar and, I wanna say, Okocha? Oh… that wasn’t one of our guys? See and that’s the problem. Anyway, we also recognize that the cream of this crop, like Knowledge and Khama, have retired. And yes, we have done nothing different this time. But I just knew it. We were going to win in 2023. It’s a shame, really.”

The Ministry of Information, Publicity, and Broadcasting Services permanent secretary Nick Mangwana argued that the sanctions against political interference were an assault on Zimbabwe’s hard-fought sovereignty. An insult to those who valiantly and selflessly died for the country in a spirited revolution.

He also agreed with the assertion that the Warriors would finally win in 2023. The belief appears to be rooted in the country’s well-adjusted grasp on reality and its capacities, which has led citizens and leaders alike to animatedly clamour loud and long about their highly untouchable, exceptional, and sacrosanct literacy rate; importance on the global political scene (the infamous arch-nemesis of the West); and all-round exceptionalism. 

The Reporters' efforts to get a word from the Sports and Recreation Commission (SRC) were in vain.