By The Reporters
BRAESIDE, HARARE – Local bachelor Simbarashe Chiwara (29) has expressed strong disagreement with the teaching of Jesus Christ found in Matthew 4:4 that man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that comes out of the mouth of God. Chiwara said that he doesn’t eat the word of God as that is akin to applying for a death sentence.
“Does it make sense to
you, huh, to eat someone’s word? Worse off, eating some imaginary words from an
imaginary God?” Chiwara said in exasperation while charging to the nearest Pick
n Pay supermarket. He also cited that as a matter of economic convenience, it
was impossible for him to agree with Jesus that man shall not live by bread
alone. “This cost-of-living thingy, it keeps getting high. I’m always put in a
corner, you know. Truly a person rests once they are in the grave,” Chiwara
told The Reporters while at the supermarket.
“Another thing is I’m also
incredibly lazy to make full meals all the damn time. But it almost always goes
back to the economics thing, you feel me? If the money was there, I would have had
someone who cooks for me. I’m not saying I would be married, please, don’t get
it twisted,” Chiwara stated. “With all due respect to Our Lord and Saviour, I
have been living almost exclusively on bread for three consecutive weeks, and
look at me, alive and kicking. I still am operational! This easily quashes
notions by Jesus that man shall not live by bread alone,” Chiwara continued.
At press time, religious
scholars acknowledged that while Jesus Christ’s teaching may remain valid
spiritually, the bachelor’s financial and home situation presented a more
compelling counterargument – and by the time The Reporters filed this report,
Chiwara had already bought another loaf, as well as a couple of buns, croissants,
and doughnuts.
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