“But This Was Going to Be Our Year!”- ZIFA Fumes After ‘Illegally Unfair’ AFCON Qualification Suspension

 By Intertwined-Zimbabwe

ZIFA HOUSE, HARARE - Officials at the esteemed but severely troubled and out-of-sorts Zimbabwean Football Association (ZIFA) have come out raging against the recent decision by the omnipresent football governing body FIFA to suspend them from the 2023 African Cup of Nations (AFCON) Qualifiers over allegations of political interference.

Image sourced by The Reporters from the Herald's interwebs.

At the centre of the crazy discontent is the immutable, strongly-held belief by ZIFA (and the interfering government of course), that 2023 was undeniably the year they finally got it right at the AFCON.

The Warriors have qualified for the prestigious tournament (which always gives top European club coaches debilitating headaches) five times in the past, and have had a grossly underwhelming record across the board.

They ranked 14th, 13th, and 14th out of 16 in their first three attempts, and 21st and 17th out of 24 in the last two.

The team has developed a distinctly Zimbabwean phenomenon in which they lose the critical first two matches before – as if for what the streets call the classic and legendary ‘svoto’ or ‘chifinhu’ – and bow out with a totally useless and insignificant win in their third group game, just to save face.

This has led some fans calling for the third game to be played first next time. We digress.

The Reporters have it on impeccable authority that ZIFA president Felton Kamambo has led the charge against FIFA, accusing them of pulling a “Playa hater move” and always acting “illegally unfair” since time immemorial.  The Reporters understand that Kamambo exercised self-restraint of the highest order when he refused to liken FIFA’s “illegal unfairness” to the way America dishes so-called “illegal” sanctions willy-nilly across the world.

Youth, Sport, Art, and Recreation Minister Kirsty Coventry, unrelenting to the interference, came out to the podium wearing a “Why Always Us” Mario Balotelli inspired t-shirt, before explaining to The Reporters that “Yes, we know we haven’t done as well in the past. And our current crop is a far-cry from the days of Ndlovu, Grobelaar and, I wanna say, Okocha? Oh… that wasn’t one of our guys? See and that’s the problem. Anyway, we also recognize that the cream of this crop, like Knowledge and Khama, have retired. And yes, we have done nothing different this time. But I just knew it. We were going to win in 2023. It’s a shame, really.”

The Ministry of Information, Publicity, and Broadcasting Services permanent secretary Nick Mangwana argued that the sanctions against political interference were an assault on Zimbabwe’s hard-fought sovereignty. An insult to those who valiantly and selflessly died for the country in a spirited revolution.

He also agreed with the assertion that the Warriors would finally win in 2023. The belief appears to be rooted in the country’s well-adjusted grasp on reality and its capacities, which has led citizens and leaders alike to animatedly clamour loud and long about their highly untouchable, exceptional, and sacrosanct literacy rate; importance on the global political scene (the infamous arch-nemesis of the West); and all-round exceptionalism. 

The Reporters' efforts to get a word from the Sports and Recreation Commission (SRC) were in vain.