Zimbabwe’s Department of Public Inconvenience Assures Citizens of More Inconveniences, And There Won’t Be Any Sincere Regrets

By The Reporters

HARARE – True to its revolutionary and unwavering fashion, Zimbabwe’s Department of Public Inconvenience (DOPI), which is under the purview of Ministry of Home Affairs, gave rock-solid assurances to the country’s patriotic and unpatriotic citizens that a lot more exasperating public inconveniences will be the order of the day as we joyously enter in 2024—and that DOPI will not convey any sincere regrets for the inconveniences caused since it is assiduously working round the clock to beat the Second Republic’s deadline of Vision 2030 for a middle-income economy. 

In a hastily arranged press conference at the imposing Public Affairs Building on New Year’s Eve, the Head Chairperson of DOPI Cde Tasimba Mashayamombe said that public inconveniences remain the sole definitive feature in the country to distinguish, beyond any reasonable doubt, patriotic and unpatriotic citizens; with a stern warning that hotspots such as passport offices will multiply the inconveniences a hundred times. 

“The problem we are facing in this country, and which must be addressed with pressing alacrity, is that of born-frees and a motley of other counter-revolutionaries hell bent on tarnishing the image of Zimbabwe and most importantly, the image of the glorious Second Republic. It has come to our attention that any little inconvenience experienced allegedly at the behest of Home Affairs and DOPI, then a person rushes to X and Facebook and starts calling for the West to bomb this great rising country of Zimbabwe, a towering beacon of hope for everyone to see,” Mashayamombe said. 

He further stated that those who endure the public inconveniences without registering any complaints are the truest and most patriotic citizens of the country, as they perfectly understand the history of Zimbabwe and the current works of the Second Republic to change Zimbabwe. “These spoilt kids, do they know that under Smith’s Rhodesia we did not even have all these luxuries. We go to war, spill our precious blood for you, and actually die for you only to complain of trivial issues saying the economy is not working—an economy we won through war. We commend those who have gone through the inconveniences silently, we will handsomely rewards them in the near future.” An effort to confirm this development by Intertwined’s The Reporters from Home Affairs Minister at the time of printing was fruitless, as it surfaced that he is on holiday in Dubai, UAE.

God Says “He Is Not In It” As He Issues Statement Refusing To Come Down From Heaven To Help Nelson Chamisa

By The Reporters

HEAVEN, THE COSMOS—Expressing bouts of exasperation over the insufferable futility of repeatedly attempting to intervene in the domestic, sovereign affairs of Zimbabwe, God The Almighty, The Heavenly Father, Creator & Ruler Of All The Universes, issued out a press statement exclusively seen by The Reporters from His Holy Throne stating that “He Is Not In It”, and that from now on he will block any requests from Nelson Chamisa and Citizens Coalition for Change (CCC) to use His name in solving their political mess. 

“It has come to My attention that Nelson Chamisa is still using the old, tired mantra ‘God is in it’ as his slogan despite several warnings issued against him notifying him that I am tired and frustrated of being used in his personal and political shit. Let it known in All The Universes, Heaven and earth, that from now on I will not answer any request or prayer claiming that I Am In It—on the contrary, I Am Not In It. From now on I will not meddle in the sovereign affairs of Zimbabwe, and I distance myself from all those yellow-infested heretics and counter-revolutionaries. I will not come down from Heaven for that nonsense,” God bellowed as all the Angels trembled at His tantrums. 

Nelson Chamisa’s comments that if SADC refuses to help the CCC yellow-adorned party leader in seizing power from Zimbabwe’s principal troublemaker Emmerson Dambudzo Mnangagwa then God will step in to help have been dismissed by God Himself as “utterly ludicrous, ill-conceived”, adding that this time He won’t be in Chamisa’s corner. 

“I discussed this issue with My Son Jesus Christ yesterday in our closed-door meeting in a far-away galaxy, away from the glare of the Holy Throne. My Boy Jesus here intimated to Me that given Chamisa’s helpless cluelessness, it is imprudent for the Heaven brand to be associated with such stupidity and hollow-sounding ‘God is in it’ chants and tweets. Or posts. Whatever you call them on that wretched planet.

“We unanimously agreed that besides all this shitty drama, the colour yellow disgusts us and tarnished our image, and we strongly hate those little pulpits he uses when addressing the masses of the Sheep. We will let SADC do want it wants. Remember even though as Heaven we refused to stand with them during their irksome liberation struggles, they continued to worship us anyway when they got their independence. It has been a hard decision to make. But it must be done. It reminds me that time we forsook the whole of this humanity and saved Noah plus a bunch of animals. Who knows what may happen this time? Do they really want us to climb down from Heaven for this BS?”

At the time of going press, it was incredibly difficult to reach Nelson Chamisa or Promise Mkwananzi for a comment. The Reporters verified credible information from insider sources that Chamisa was deliberating on what next to say since God The Almighty refused to be associated with him. God called on the Angels to withdraw any form of Divine Protection that Chamisa and CCC were enjoying, leaving the yellow party in an extremely precarious position; left only with Bible Verses that lack legitimacy amidst political uncertainty.

Harare Man Wishes If Stream Of Consciousness Could Be Used As Source For Clean, Safe Tap Water In City

 By The Reporters

GLEN VIEW, HARARE – A local Harare man, Tafara Mahofa, ruminating deeply beyond the comprehension of human feeble minds in the streets of Glen View 1, expressed his wish for his stream of consciousness, and that of other comrades, to be used as a source for “safe, clean, humane drinking water” in the beleaguered city.

As if falling into a philosophical trance that could have been arduously turned into a PhD thesis, Tafara Mahofa pointed out with much poignancy, “It is utterly exasperating and absolutely dehumanizing that City of Harare cannot provide clean, safe, humane, mouthwatering and free water out of our taps. I don’t know what their problem is. It is a horrendous experience. Imagine, we’re in 2023. Either the water is not there, or when it’s there, it just comes out in a way that makes you want to vomit. Where do they get that water from? I often wonder. Yet, everyday, I have to sip some from my stream of consciousness. Such a clean source. A clean stream. Natural, for that matter. Clean water.”

He went on, almost rambling, that perhaps it is safe for City of Harare to get the city’s water from the “clean and safe” stream of consciousness. “I’m not really sure how the city engineers and surveyors can lay out and build the pipes to draw water from our stream of consciousness to our taps in our homes. But all I know, and I’m really tired just from thinking about this, is that perhaps the so-called city fathers can use our stream of consciousness as a source for clean and safe water. My stream, and the streams of my comrades, are natural, clean, and safe.”

At press time, The Reporters failed to get a word from the Town Clerk of City of Harare on whether this grand innovative plan to ameliorate the city’s unending water woes is viable. Tafara Mahofa later said that it is particularly the stream of consciousness of writers and other artistes that can be perfectly harnessed for these purposes as it is always “oozing water”.

Tafara Mahofa indicated to The Reporters that it is an utterly fucked up situation, a whole clusterfuck, that the “city fathers” continuously buy brand new cars and stands while people have no water. He suggested it is now time for the “city mothers” to run the city – highlighting the complexity and haphazard nature of his stream of consciousness.

District Man Vows Not To Die Before Climbing And Rocking On Mashwede Village Tables

By The Reporter; Intertwined-Zimbabwe

GOROMONZI - A local district man has reportedly vowed not to die before embarking on an exhilarating thrill of a lifetime; climbing and rocking the tables at the (in)famous Mashwede Village spot in the country's wretched and worryingly decrepit capital, Harare. 

Mr. Musanetseke Pfungwa Masimire, aged 43, intimated to his mesmerized neighbours and family and at the village court at some undisclosed "peasant" location in the vast district of Goromonzi that his only wish before departing this magnificently tortuous Earth was to go for a thrilling night out with his 'boys' to the popular hit Mashwede in Harare's historical high density suburbs for the "best experience of his lifetime" - climbing and rocking the immensely revered and desecrated Mashwede Village tables while loud music from the spot's exasperating speakers destroys his eardrums and Eustachian tubes. 

Addressing his excitable audience, much to "waals" and "ndikokos", Mr.  Musanetseke Pfungwa Masimire bellowed, "The only thing that has refused to leave my mind is Mashwede. I hear the groove in Harare can be pretty wild and releases the stress of providing for lazy wives and children. My only wish before I leave this planet is to go and climb and rock the tables at Mashwede. I also hear that's the best experience of a lifetime consuming the lives of urban yutes and baddies in H-town. Gaya, husiku hwese uchingokwira matebhuru apa ngoma richirira baad wakanamwa zvako nemukwava! Yooo, you guys, I can't wait. Even sabhuku has said 'go ye forth!' and bring back some juicy reports that even H-Metro reporters can't match. Those bloody liars [H-Metro journalists] anyway! Vachatengesa zhet kumukadzi wangu. Gaya." 

Mr. Masimire was reported to have included this supremely indispensable wish into his will; that even if he fails the little USD$50.00 making up his Estate in its entirety must be able to take his two sons Chamu and Biggie to go climb and rock Mashwede Village tables. 

At the time of going to press, The Reporters reached the district man for his invaluable comments on the unverified reports that had proliferated as nasty grapevine [like Robert Mugabe's infinite death rumours] all the way to Ruwa and Murehwa, and he quipped, in a manner betraying his good old days as the best student in O'Level English studies at Goromonzi High, "What you've heard is not a remote possibility. My faith exudes unshakeable belief and optimism. I'm not concerned with Unplugged or any other numerous outdoor 'chills' sprouting in the capital.  My only desire is Mashwede tables and perhaps some DJ Fantan and Levelz music on the loud speakers." 

"Best experience of my lifetime if it comes to fruition.  Don't tell H-Metro, I am my own story. And to the haters saying a district man in his 40s must not visit Mashwede, here's a massive fuck you to you, respectfully."

It is said he will not be hesitant doing the tables and alcohol and loud music with some 'baddies' from the wretched worryingly decrepit capital, Harare.

Local Man Seriously Depressed After Fresh Pair Of Socks Suddenly Decides To Go Missing In The House

By The Reporters; Intertwined-Zimbabwe 

GWERU, ZIMBABWE — Worrying reports coming in from Athlone in Gweru, Zimbabwe suggest that a local man has fallen into a serious episode of massive, life-threatening depression after his fresh pair of socks suddenly decided to conspire against him by going missing right inside his very own room. 

Tanaka Mafero (26), who has just been introduced to the rough and unkind vagaries of life's insane vicissitudes, lamented how at exactly 8.50 am, just as he was preparing to go to Windsor Park to see his girlfriend Makaita Moyo (22), he realized his fresh pair of socks he bought last week suddenly went missing. He had scheduled to meet her at 9.00 am, and in the midst of all the chaos, just as he had finished wearing his loyal pair of blue ripped jeans after applying the body lotion and body spray, he realized the first sock was missing. 

Livid with frustration, he realized the other sock was missing exactly five minutes later. Makaita, afraid of yet another usual routine experience of "toxic niggas", kept buzzing the 26-year-old's iPhone 13 Pro Max till it couldn't take it any longer. 

The self-proclaimed city 'hustler' could only muster a few words in narrating his rather tragic ordeal to The Reporters.

"I bought a fresh pair of cool socks last week, you know, and just like the previous 3 pairs, it just suddenly goes missing. Totally ruining my day. Haa iskiri rechimero pazvinhu zvacho because mwana ndakamumisa gaya. It always starts with one sock going missing...I need a break from all this, my parents now afraid I'm having self-harm thoughts. Fucking socks. Dzokono boiz, washen [laundry] haiko."

At press time, The Reporters confirmed that Tanaka Mafero had resorted to his regular anti-depressants, which are reportedly kept in his mother's car (the same car he wanted to use to see Makaita)—but failed to get any comment from Makaita or the local man's parents. 

It has since emerged that the country's men are regularly being hit by crippling anxiety and depression whenever their pairs of socks start missing. 

The Ministry of Home Affairs has since launched a commission of inquiry to understand the phenomenon; though there are grave concerns that the President may not release the findings to the public in fearing that the masses will know that even the President's socks regularly and suddenly go missing.

25 Swear Words And Phrases To Help You Through The Pressures Of The Day - The Power Of Profane Expletives

By The Reporters; Intertwined-Zimbabwe.

HARARE, ZIMBABWE — Okay. We are just going to head straight into it. No brief write-up to motivate you out of your wretched and shitty world of adulting [adulting is a scam bruh!]. No parental guidance needed either. Just make sure your kids don't get hold of this inspiring and uplifting work. 

The Reporters [under tremendous social difficulties] carried out some incredibly far-reaching, deeper-than-deep, and extensive research, approved and sanctioned by the Supreme Editor of INTERTWINED ZW, just to come up with this easy-to-digest list of swear words to help you throughout the day. 

For your convenience, dear Intertwined Zim readers.

Also, make sure you don't accidentally and purposely blurt out these bad English curse words in front of your family, boss, or pastor. Especially around your kids — say them in your heart when you're around kids. 

You don't want 5-year-old and 10-year-old sons and daughters to have their sweet blissful innocence korrupted in this intrusive manner. Having them chant fuck! at creche or primary schools.

Nope. Suffer with your adulthood alone. Don't include children in your messy mess.

READ: 20-Year-Old Avondale Woman Already Tweeting That Adulting Is A Scam Bruh

Now, allow The Reporters to give you some free Therapy, and, no, it is definitely not fucked up. In fact, this shite is priceless, damn. 

OK OK, Here We Fucking Go:

1. Fuck. 
2. Shit. 
3. What Tha Fuck (exclaimed with either a ? or a !)
4. Holy Fuck. 
5. Fuckshit. 
6. Shitfuck. 
7. Fucking shit.
8. Jesus Christ. 
9. Clusterfuck. 
10. What in the fucking fuck ?! 
11. A fucking flying fuck (as in, 'I don't give a fucking flying fuck'. Never catch flying fucks, please).
12. Shitty.
13. Damn/Goddamnit! 
14. Fucked up. 
15. Fucked bullshit. 
16. Fucking bullshit. 
17. Shitload. 
18. Holy Mary Mother of Jesus (use it mostly when perplexed, flabbergasted, or in times of the utmost shock).
19. Jesus Fucking Christ (this one is not highly recommended, deploy it cautiously and clandestinely). 
20. Jesus Christ of Fucking Nazareth. What The Fuck? (see 19. above). 
21. Motherfucker. 
22. What in the motherfucking fuck is this fucking bullshit (this is some chakra level). 
23. The fuck do I know? 
24. Fuck you (the locus classicus of swearing). 
25. Fuck my life/fuck me/I'm fucked.

Honourable Mentions:

• Fuck this shit. 
• Motherfucking bastard; you fucked up. 
• Arsehole. 
• Fucking piece of shite. 
• Dickhead.
• Bloody hell (elite profanity for Christ's sake, Jesus!)
• Fuck off.
• Piss off. 
• Drown in your piss you fucking retard (protect your teeth soon after uttering this explosive expletive).
• This fucking wanker. 
• Bollocks! (you may come off as an admirer of the British; the bloody word means testicles - never forget the exclamation when uttering it).
• Shit is difficult. 
• Bitch/whore. 

Now, go have a good day. When it gets rough, this article (contrary to convention, nothing contained herein is socially offensive - oh, such a weak disclaimer, sincere apologies) will guide you to blissful numbness, tolerance, and stoicism.

The power of profane expletives. The healing.

The SUPREME EDITOR'S NOTE: When life gets utterly shitty and incredibly fucked up or down, a little dose of profanity might help. In actuality, it will help. 

Priceless Advice from our Therapist in this fucking capitalist world (yep, our The Reporters have a therapist in the newsroom). 

Incontrovertibly supreme Advice. Unrivalled preponderance. If you're an artist, this is for you. Real art is uncensored; hell it is (ditto Dambudzo Marechera). We say no to censored art and nefarious censorship boards.

Local Hatfield Woman Begs Council To Turn Airport Road Into Formula One Racetracks; The 'Grand Circuits'

By Intertwined-Zim 

A local Harare woman from Logan Park in Hatfield reportedly assailed the city authorities for not turning the “notoriously smooth” Airport Road into a Formula One racetrack.

Airport Road. Random Internet Picture.

Muchadei Makundano, the spokesperson for City of Harare, confirmed the incident, saying that there is still much hesitancy at Town House to forward the complaint to the Town Clerk.

“I can confirm that a petition of some sort has been lodged here outlining the long-overdue need and desire to transform Airport Road into a Formula 1 racetrack.”

“We are still pretty much scared to inform our all-wise and all-listening and ever-patient Town Clerk that this is what is prevailing.”

Evelyn Sanders, the 36-year-old woman who fervently wishes for a Formula 1 live race in Zimbabwe — arguing that she is tired of seeing lighting-speed little cars on TV circling Europe and other fringe continents — suggested Airport Road, noting how it is “notoriously smooth” and “attractively wide”.

“Have you ever sailed this road in the comfort of, say, a Nissan Tiida, or something like that? I think Airport Road is marvellous. Who wouldn’t like an F1 race live in Harare? Even the presidential and ministerial convoys criss-cross this road with that same lighting-speed. 

The best road in Harare. Notoriously smooth, of course Don’t worry about crashes, it's a grand circuit. Well, at least Mbuya Dorcas Hospital is nearby.”

At the time of going to press, The Reporters uncovered, with great difficulty, that Evelyn Sanders is not aware of the fact that Airport Road is officially recognized as Joshua Nqabuko Nkomo Road.